My apologies again for the large gap between my posts. I developed an RSI during Wimbledon and took some time off.
Regular readers might recall that my super-hot Japanese girlfriend Akiko and I have a two-woman ventriloquist act called "The Vagina Dialogues" that we're rather proud of. Well, the rumours on the hot firm-breasted lesbian grapevine are that it might be nominated for a Quimmy, the highest possible honour for a hot glistening naked lesbian stage show.
It would be a dream come true to have that iconic Quimmy on my mantelpiece, and it would certainly show all the doubters and haters that I'm not a middle-aged balding slightly overweight man who pretends to be a hot and horny lesbian on-line in a desperate and futile search to find hot firm-bodied lesbian couples who want to include a middle-aged balding slightly overweight man in a threesome.
My potential Quimmy nomination aside, no doubt about it, this week's biggest world news story is the unfolding drama of phone-hackinggate, where the practices of News of the World staff, including hacking into the voicemail of missing children, bereaved families and public figures, have caused a wave of public disgust which has already led to a host of advertisers pulling their spend from the NotW, and News Corp deciding yesterday to close down that newspaper.
It reminds me of the time I was back-packing through Europe. I had just arrived in my hostel dorm room, where one other woman had already chosen her bed, and was sitting reading a book. She was about my age, long dark hair, and firm D-cup breasts under her tank-top. Her cut-off 'Daisy Duke' denim shorts revealed slender, tanned thighs and I could tell she was my type. I was already getting wet, but I put it out of my mind and got on with unpacking my things. Just then, my vibrator fell out of my bag and rolled across the floor. The impact must have switched it on, because it had begun gyrating.
My room-mate picked it up and asked if it was mine. I said it was, and she said she had never seen one like that, and asked if I minded if she gave it a try. I was too shocked to reply, as she pulled the gusset of her shorts to one side and began to rub the head of my sex-toy over her already moist labia. Seconds later, she had slid off her shorts to reveal a beautifully trimmed bush. She beckoned me to join her.
Well one thing led to another, and before I knew it, my hot pink lesbian tongue was teasing her throbbing love button as her moans of ecstasy filled the dorm. I slid my index finger into her soggy sex tunnel and applied firm sustained pressure to her G-spot bringing her to a powerful, shuddering climax.
My point is, as I learnt that day, and as we have seen so far in the phone-hacking debacle, firm sustained pressure to the right spot can bring about a big effect. As public outcry forced advertisers to desert the News of the World, the NotW brand itself became toxic, leading Murdoch to axe the title.
But these aren't acts of closure or contrition. These are calculated stunts to distract the public, in the hope that with the masses calmed, the politicians and advertisers can go back to grubby business as usual. Murdoch has sacrificed 168 years of brand equity and 200 seemingly unimplicated NotW staff in order to amputate the infected limb and protect the body corporate, himself, Rebekah Brooks and his shareholders, but hard-f**king, firm-breasted naked lesbians up and down the country are not fooled by this.
Last night, in the shower, as my super-hot Japanese girlfriend Akiko and I were soaping each other's firm breasts and buttocks, she said, between gasps of pleasure, that one positive that might come from all this is that the public mood might enable British politics to wake up from the 25-year spell cast by Murdoch. As her teeth gently bit my ear-lobe, she whispered that the major parties might even realise that his media empire mostly reflects public opinion rather than influences it, and he doesn't have to be appeased. Perhaps too optimistic? Who knows.
Akiko and I will be holding a charity event this Sunday for the forgotten victims of this sordid affair - the topless models who will no longer be needed by the News of the World. Many of them swing both ways, as you probably imagined, so Akiko and I will be doing what we do best to cheer them up, but they will miss being ogled by middle aged over-weight balding guys, so do come along. And please - if you are a bisexual topless model who has been affected by this issue, and wants to be leered at by a middle-aged balding slightly overweight guy one last time, while perhaps cavorting with other topless glistening naked firm-bodied lesbians - we're here for you. Get in touch.