The Empire confirmed today it was closing the Death Star with immediate effect, and promised "full co-operation" with the official investigation into the illegal destruction of the planet Alderaan.
"We deeply regret the huge loss of face - sorry, life- and will not rest until we find out who gave the order to fire" said Lord Vader. "We now accept that the culprits were not 'two rogue stormtroopers larking about with a hackysack on their lunchbreak, knocking a cup of coffee all over the control panel, triggering the accidental emission of a devastatingly powerful laser beam that just happened to be pointing towards the planet'. We think their supervisor might have been involved as well."
Internal investigations were hampered by the unexpected demise of anyone claiming to know who was ultimately responsible. "Yes, it's unfortunate that everyone present on the command deck that day has been found dead of natural causes, clutching their necks, a look of terror and despair in their eyes" continued Lord Vader. "A faulty life support system appears to have caused an outbreak of legionnaires disease - it's classic symptoms."
Intergalactic police are centring their enquiries around a shuttle craft seen leaving the Death Star two minutes after the peace-loving world was blown up. Identikit pictures of the driver and passenger look somewhat like 'a tall man with a shiny black hat, and a shorter older man wearing a cape."
"What was I doing that day?" said Vader. "I can't remember exactly, but the emperor tells me we were in acquisition talks with another federation of races. Hang on - that was on the Death....aaarrggghhh"