As the final film in the popular Harry Potter series hits the cinemas, the nation is being urged to spare a thought for the actors that played the young wizards. With less than £60 million banked between them, they face an uncertain future.
"It's like a kick in the teeth", said Daniel Radcliffe from the window of his Bentley, as he left the film set for the last time. "Emma Watson, myself and the ginger one are facing the prospect of having to eke a living on chat shows, pantomimes and Hollywood blockbusters. I don't know how I'm going to break the news to any future children I might have."
Many papers have reported their plight, and people all over the country have shared in their heartache. "The government need to do a U-turn on this", claimed Andy Blake, a long-term supporter of the franchise. "They could easily fund another Dark Lord for them to battle, or re-nationalise the plastic figurine industry. British jobs for British wizards, that's all we're asking for."
Emma Watson has vowed to fight the move. Standing in front of her palace with nothing but a Gucci cocktail dress to protect her from the elements, brave Emma attempted to turn several of the surrounding journalists into frogs. "Expborealis!" she exclaimed, before visibly deflating. "I've lost everything, even my mastery of the arcane arts. If things don't pick up, I might have to go on the game shows."
The public is not taking the news laying down. Children across the country have held matinee sit-ins and a candle-lit vigil is taking place several feet above a huge table in a magical hall. There have been outbreaks of lightning strikes on several foreheads.
It wasn't all bad news for the fictional school. Dobby has been approached by modelling agencies to work as a Michael Gove look-alike and there are hopes that the school can convert itself into some Academy Awards. The government has commissioned a replacement for the Hogwarts Express, but for muggle reasons it will be built at the Durmstrang Institute.
