TV chef and child-naming expert Jamie Oliver is looking for support for a new self-serving restaurant. 'All About Me' will be unique in the over-priced food segment, with less focus on organic food, and more on feeding his ego.
"I got the idea when I was chucking scraps at my charity pastry and sous-tramps in the basement of my 'Fifteen' restaurant. I started to cry when I thought about all the good I do in the world, and Jools said it was about time I got some thanks for my hard work".
The new venue will build on the success of Fifteen, where customers pay full London prices for a bit of tea cooked by smack heads. Customers at the new restaurant will cook their own tea using Jamie's recipe books, while looking up to a throned Oliver for approval. "I'll give 'em a wink if it looks pukka, or give 'em some pearls of wisdom if they muck it up" explained Oliver.
"I've got some ideas to help people see how great I am. We're looking at having plasmas everywhere, showing films from the people I've saved from themselves. It can cut to a shot of me crying if anyone says anything mean about me. And every hour, a big bucket will pour jam onto a trestle table, as a symbol of my wholesome sweetness."
The restaurant will be very family-friendly. The children's menu has been approved by Daisy, Poppy, Petal and Buddy Bear, his children that he famously named after allergies. The menu includes a comprehensive chart of their favourite food, to shame parents of fussy eaters.
"I only want to solve all the world's problems and be remembered as some kind of food god", pleaded Jamie. "This restaurant could help people to see how close I am to that goal". But the project does have a couple of hurdles left. Jamie explains: "it sounds like the foundations need a bit of work, the surveyor said I'll be lucky if the whole thing doesn't disappear up itself. And Ramsay's opening his 'First Eleven' next door, to show people he's better at dinner and football than them. He keeps coming round with his top off, and doing press-ups at me."