The Department of Heritage announced a new measure today to protect the Nation's statues from damage sustained from city centre rioting by having large expensive bronze statues replaced by cheap street entertaining living statues.
The measures have been introduced to counter the recent upsurge in inner city rioting due to protests against recessions, student tuition fees, illegal wars with the one consistent factor being the expensive damage inflicted on city centre statues caused by angry mobs attending the protest.
'Last years bill alone for statue repair was £5 million pounds and that was completely down to rioting' said Heritage Minister Andrew McIntosh. 'What we're proposing is to have all the statues removed from their current sites around the country to a sort of statue safe house somewhere in the countryside. They will then be replaced by living statues of the sort that are currently seen on a daily basis collecting money in town and city centres across the country'.
Mcintosh explained the benefits of the measures 'we can save on expensive statue repairs by virtue of the fact that the statues can now save themselves from damage by jumping off their respective podiums and legging it down the street before the mob can get at them. If the mob pursues it then we can have the living statue performer run them all straight into a waiting row of police black maria's parked just around the corner where they can all be driven away and charged with attempted criminal damage'.
Another advantage highlighted by the Minister was that all the living statues would be provided at no expense to the tax payer as they would be continued to be financed in the normal way by gullible tourists and shoppers with more money than sense as they comment 'oh look Mable! Winston Churchill just winked at me' as they toss their money into a provided collecting pot.
The new statue of ex U.S president Ronald Reagan unveiled today in London is thought to be the last off the real statue production line before the new living statues get the go ahead next week as McIntosh added 'We thought it would be good idea to let the President Reagan statue go ahead just in case there were anymore demonstrations beforehand.
We were all of the opinion that it could act as a sort of decoy so that the rioters could smash it up instead of the statues that really matter in Central London. It was either that or get the Michael Jackson statue from outside Fulham's Craven Cottage to serve the same purpose. Both statues are of American entertainers who made good and to be honest even if they did get smashed up we wouldn't bother repairing either of them' finished McIntosh.