People with ears have reacted with horror to the news that cuts in housing benefits coulf make up to 40,000 people homeless. The figure, detailed in a leaked letter from Communities Secretary Eric Pickles, is thought to be high enough to encourage a Phil Collins come-back tour.
Phil Collins first brought attention to the homeless by selflessly selling 50 million copies of 'Another Day in Paradise' in the early '90s. The song, which focused on attractive young female homelessnessers, has already been used in the background of several news reports on the story.
Swiss police are investigating reports of repetitive tapping sounds eminating from Collins' mountain lair, and have arrested several drum dealers attempting to re-arm the Oscar-whingeing tax exile. The EC is considering an embargo on drum skins, and efforts are continuing to trap the prickly percussionist with snares.
Collins has attempted several comebacks in the last few years, most recently by exploiting the plight of rhythmic apes. A tour was blocked by animal welfare groups, after they proved that primates can feel painful lyrics. The Collins threat is being fought on many fronts: Doctors are still desperately trying to maintain Ronnie Biggs, fearing a cinematic re-release of Buster if he dies.
There are growing fears that austerity measures could revive interest in other wealthy musicians who sing about poor people. a cordon of soap has been placed around Brighton to contain the Levellers, and police at Heathrow have been put on high alert for Billy Joel and Sting. Billy Bragg is being kept in an artificial coma until the economy recovers.
The government may be forced to reconsider the planned cuts. Pickles explains: "We've carried out a squat analysis, and there's a real risk that vagrants could descend on these hot-houses for morose protest songs.
"We've armed the police with car horns, swanee whistles and duck-calls to counteract the worst effects. But we're also considering moving people to more cheap and cheerful accommodation. We've earmarked some lovely alternative sites by the coast, we're sure people will love our new rousing sea-shanty towns."