Most of us may be enjoying the current hot spell but climatologists said yesterday that a long hot spell could spell doom for one of Britain's most unusual monochrome inhabitants, the Goth.
'Goths are shy, retiring creatures that thrive best in gloomy autumnal weather,' said Dr James Barnett of the University of Warwick. 'Drought conditions aren't an issue, since they rarely wash, but they are ill-adapted to high temperatures because they are unable to take their duffel coats off and they can easily become disorientated due to their inability to see through their thick black hair.'
Britain's Goth population peaked at around 90,000 in the 1970s. Since then, they have been driven out of town centres by more aggressive, faster-breeding species like Chavs, while their preferred habitats, disused Victorian rectories deep in the countryside, have been acquired and repainted by Londonders inspired by BBC 2's 'Escape to the Country'. Fears are growing that many will now spontaneously combust under the heat leaving only a pair of smoking 18 hole Dr Martens behind them.
Goth-lovers have now established a sanctuary in Whitby Abbey and are seeking to lure distressed Goths there by means of artificial darkness and playing Southern Death Cult records around the clock. Some, however, believe that this is doomed to failure. 'This is how evolution works, sadly,' said Dr Richard Dawkins. 'A species that cannot adapt to change and does not even show any interest in breeding will die out, no matter what we do.'
There are also growing concerns for the Goth's distant relative, the Emo. Only recognised as a separate species in 2004, Emos suffer from many of the same disadvantages as Goths, compounded by a propensity to commit suicide before they even reach sexual maturity. To minimise the chances of summer-induced cheerfulness becoming too much for them, all copies of My Chemical Romance CDs have been buried in a nuclear bunker.
[hat tip to Basil B]