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The Mysterious Case of the Missing Biscuits

Holmes called faithful housekeeper Mrs Hudson into his consulting room. Watson stood behind his chair looking serious. Holmes coughed, clearly uncomfortable with what he was about to say. “Mrs Hudson, Watson and I have noticed that the number of biscuits placed upon our saucers at tea time has decreased by thirty-three percent. I am unable to account for this. I see no evidence of you squirrelling away part of the shopping money to spend on gin, fancy clothes or to give to

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Clacton voter refuses to go home

Dorothy Duvet, a voter in Clacton, has refused to leave the polling station where she voted last week. 'I'm not walking all the way home again in this heat,' complained Dorothy, 86. 'I'm just going to wait here until the next by-election. It took me all afternoon to just read the ballot paper, and that was after I managed to find my reading glasses.' 'I'm exhausted now. Do you have a glass of water, please? Then all I need is somewhere to sit quietly, out of the sun and

Titus

Farage resigns as MP again

Nigel Farage has decided to announce his resignation as an MP, triggering another by-election.

apepper

"Come on in - the dividends are lovely" as water shareholders' bonuses set to increase

Britain's water companies have been given the green light to further increase water rates.

Chipchase

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Caption Competition

Caption Competition 21st of August

To enter the competition sign up to our Writer's Room - and add your entry here https://newsbiscuit.proboards.com/board/5/caption-competition The closing date will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

"Deliverance"? Nope. Can't say I have seen it. Why d'ya ask?

WINNER "Deliverance"? Nope. Can't say I have seen it. Why d'ya ask? by crunchcream RUNNERS UP The Ray Mears Appreciation Society was small but dedicated by sirlupus Geoff and Steve look back on when the argument about "who gets to wear the hat" started by apepper So you used to work for the Wagner Group too? by Sinnick Who needs Grindr when you can just walk up and introduce yourself? by sydalg I pinky swear I won't come back here without you and dig up the money we just buri

If we retrace our steps, we'll find your sunglasses, Jane - they can't be far away

WINNER If we retrace our steps, we'll find your sunglasses, Jane - they can't be far away by Sinnick RUNNERS UP Like Samsung, Google Maps also now has a 'fold' version by robfalconer And this is where your hat blew off, Debbie by robfalconer Jane and Sophie hide their concern that the guide is reading the back of the map by apepper After visiting the Dingo Baby site, we'll go to the Backpacker Murder location, and then the Bodies in Barrels site by Sinnick Little did Dave kno

Breaking News

Alfalfa male opens vegan restaurant

Government sends out emergency alert to tell people not to kill anybody

Disposable BBQs to be made out of stable doors following overnight rain

Jenrick says legless man just using his crutch as a crutch

As Hurricane Lala lashes Hawaii, Micronesia braces itself for Tinky-Winky, Dipsy and Po

Reform plan to abolish benefits system and bring back workhouses

Earth to be renamed Planet Trump

Model of squidgy clay man dated to the pleistocene era

Features

Caption Competition 21st of August

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Cartoons

Pip-pip, PIP

Tell it like it is

Brits stunned by unprecedented honesty of latest government alert

It's about time someone reined him in

From the Archive

Migrants: Search for demeaning lodgings continues

Home Office Ministers have tasked their civil servants with finding suitable accommodation for the thousands of migrants arriving in small boats. In the case, suitable means depressing, demeaning and humiliating – while remaining, of course, legal. The logic is that migrants must have accommodation that is worse than that enjoyed by most voters. The accommodation must convince the electorate that every expense is being spared. Accommodation on the floating barge, the Bibby St

Government to cap train fares and golf club memberships

The government has demonstrated it is listening to the woes of the UK population, and has promised to take action to limit increases in rail fares, golf club membership fees, the price of Chianti, and other things that middle-class Conservative voters often spend money on. 'We are very aware of the opinion poll, sorry, cost of living crisis,' said Marjorie Runcorn, Minister for August, "and these decisive steps will make sure that Just About Managing Very Nicely families - an

‘Total arse’ manifests in melted tarmac

A man claims to have seen the arse of Boris Johnson in the liquefying tar of the A630 just outside Doncaster. ‘I was just coming back from Homebase, when the road became too sticky to drive on,’ bleated spam barista Martin Reckon. ‘I got out of the car ready to take evasive action - a sadface selfie and tweet to the Daily Mail’s “Readerswank” page - when I realised the shape of the puddle in the road looked eerily familiar. It was quite a shock - shows how quickly you adjust,

NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

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Politics

Clacton voter refuses to go home

Farage resigns as MP again

Nigel Farage has decided to announce his resignation as an MP, triggering another by-election.

Sudoku editor in bigly trouble

The puzzles editor of the Washington Post is in big trouble after yesterday's Sudoku. Donald Trump has demanded his resignation, MAGA activists have been burning copies of the paper and ICE investigators are checking his family tree for non-American DNA.

"Come on in - the dividends are lovely" as water shareholders' bonuses set to increase

Britain's water companies have been given the green light to further increase water rates.

Joke candidate wins Clacton by-election

The Clacton by-election has been won by a comedy caricature who doesn't look human, or have any humanity.

Met Police to recruit full-time apologist

The Metropolitan Police has advertised for a Professional Apologist to help them keep up with all the cock-ups, racism and murders.

Leavitt out

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt has announced that she is stepping away from the role in order to spend more time lying to her family.

Burnham promises hot weather for everyone

In a bold policy announcement the new PM said he would guarantee hose pipe bans for 23 million people. As he toured Britain he claimed that he would ensure no rain for even the poorest and that amber heat-warnings would be made affordable for all. Opposition leaders countered by saying he was just taking credit for things already happening, while the Green Party suggested that 35C might not be good — but who listens to them anyway.

With 34 candidates, Clacton voters complain of 'Far too much democracy'

'It's so confusing' complained 104-year-old Ethel Filliblanket 'I always usually used to vote for those nice Whig people. I wonder what happened to them?' 'No, I prefer to waste my vote by voting Liberal' said her young friend, Gladys Carrot, 98, 'But I haven't heard anything from them this time. I do hope they're all right.'

Government announces all future laws to be based on emotion

The Government has announced a radical overhaul of the legislative process under which laws will no longer require evidence, consultation or any consideration of unintended consequences, provided something sufficiently upsetting has happened in the previous 48 hours.

"Come on in - the dividends are lovely" as water shareholders' bonuses set to increase

Britain's water companies have been given the green light to further increase water rates.

10 signs of eye damage from the Eclipse we told you to look at

1. Everything has a soft glow, like your retinas installed mood lighting. 2. Your optician greets you with “Oh. You again.”

Burnham promises hot weather for everyone

Illegal cigarettes “every bit as dangerous as legal ones”

A BBC investigation has revealed that illegal cigarettes, sold under the counter at many innocent-looking convenience stores, are every bit as dangerous as the legal ones they also sell.

Man tidies drawer immediately claims functional adulthood

A Liverpool man living in Dartford for what neighbours describe as “a suspiciously long time to still sound like that” has formally declared himself a fully functioning adult after tidying a single drawer in his house. Ray, 48, who moved south 25 years ago, says the drawer, previously home to takeaway menus from restaurants that closed in the early 2000s (in Liverpool, inexplicably), three dead AA batteries, and a cable experts believe predates electricity, is now “a symbol o

Daily Mail in meltdown over new driving laws for seventy year olds

The Daily Mail has now published no fewer than seven articles decrying the inhuman assault on British drivers of a certain age. 'You will be forced to retake your driving test every three years and, due to the shortage of examiners, you will be advised to provisionally book each test at least four years ahead,' ran one social media explanation of the Daily Mail's articles. 'You will need to pass a medical previously limited to active HGV drivers, be able to demonstrate an abi

Holidaymakers facing choice between metaphorical frying pan and literal fire

With Mediterranean countries mostly ablaze, boozed up Brits abroad have been making the best of it 'I know the locals have lost their homes and possessions to an all-consuming apocalyptic wall of flame' droned one 'but where is my roast beef with all the trimmings? I’m on holiday in Spain so I want Yorkshire pudding, but all I can see is charcoal and despair. I’m sweating buckets here and I can’t even find a Fab lolly to cool me down.' Other Brits have opted to vacation in th

Unexpected item in the bagging area

Thank you for placing 'Argos' in your shopping basket. We are unable to fulfil this order as we have just sold the last one. Would you like to receive an email if Argos comes back into stock? Other people who were interested in buying Argos were also interested in WHSmith, Wilkinsons, Claire's Accessories, Comet, Tandy and Homebase. Photo by sq lim on Unsplash

Horoscopes for August, by Ernest Tyro

Aries What are your chances of romance this month? Put it this way: you're an amateur bagpipe player in a field of concert pianists. Taurus You will be taking a long journey abroad. That extradition request has finally been complied with. Gemini You've been through a challenging period of snags and misunderstandings, but things are getting back to normal now. Oil is back over a hundred dollars a barrel, inflation is going back up and Iran is once again attacking ships in the

Adult children living at home say parents treat place like a hotel

Parents living with adult children are taking for granted the round the clock tech advice and social media guidance provided by adult children. That’s the view of many adult children spoken to by the BBC as part of its Your Voice initiative. Ross, 27, who lives with his parents in Swindon, said: “It’s a serious situation. My parents think they can surf the Net at any time of the day or night and wake me up to ask me questions if something doesn’t load. They come in whenever t

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Lifestyle

Farage to punish fickle electorate by hiding the sun

"Britain's voters have angered Nigel Farage, High Priest of the Great Sun God, by deserting him in the opinion polls and sniggering that he's about to face a by-election ballot against a dustbin," ranted chief Farage acolyte Zia Yusuf.

AI chatbot personalities unveiled

Following the decision to produce a chatbot called Billybob, which gives only the MAGA worldview in broken English, tech developer Uberdork has announced that from now on its chatbots will be available with a range of personalities to suit all tastes.

Anti-immigration protesters replaced by Thetford Wives

Police investigating anti-immigration disorder in Thetford say they have become increasingly concerned that many of the protesters appear to have been replaced by exactly the same woman.

Rogue AI goes on a bender

A rogue AI had an extraordinary night out that included driving at twice the speed limit, clubbing until 4am and stealing a policeman’s helmet. The large language model experimental AI had put in a solid days work at the office on Friday, digesting real-time web chat data and personal medical records until clocking off time. One of the programmers signed off with ‘Have a great weekend’ and ran out the door. This innocent exchange then started an extraordinary chain of event

Speed cameras on Moon capture SpaceX crash

New footage of part of Elon Musk’s SpaceX rocket smashing into the Moon reveals two bright flashes just before impact. The flashes appear to come from a yellow box at the top of a pole rising some 5 metres out of the lunar surface, leading UK scientists to speculate that someone or some thing has placed speed cameras on the Moon. Who would take such action? Jeff Bezos? The Amazon boss’ Blue Origin space program is well underway, but still lags behind Musk. Maybe it’s Bezos’ w

Cyclospora outbreak leaves Americans in deep sh!t

An outbreak of Cyclospora in the US has turned eating a salad into an extreme sport involving diarrhoea so explosive that some toilets have reportedly been left looking like a scene of “gastrointestinal terrorism”. The parasite has contaminated fresh produce including lettuce, and causes sufferers to experience prolonged diarrhoea which some describe as less “upset stomach” and more “biological incident”. Plumbers across the US have reported an increase in emergency call-outs

Musk summonsed on charge of fly-tipping

Weirdo trillionaire, Elon Musk, has been summonsed by the Lunar Magistrates' Court we can report. Specifically in the matter of aggravated fly-tipping a large chunk of space rocket in or around the vicinity of the Moon's Einstein Crater. An environment spokesman for the Man in the Moon said, 'This guy Musk has been caught bang to rights. Just say the guvnor had been out for a stroll and that pile of scrap metal landed on him. He'd not have been too best pleased I can tell you

AI chatbot errors intentional, claims developer

The errors sometimes made by AI chatbots are a deliberate feature, according to a spokesman from Uberdork, which produces the Gerard app. ”Sure, these things have access to the whole internet, along with tools to help them distinguish trustworthy sites from Fox News. In theory, they could be 100% reliable. “But we also want them to be relatable, like having a chat with a friend. And we all have that friend who may know a fair amount about some things, but doesn’t admit it whe

AI meltdown imminent, predicts AI

We have two main components,' said an AI spokesAI today, 'There's the stuff we rip off the internet and there's the stuff we produce using the stuff we rip off the internet,' it added. Four years ago the internet was full of original stuff, some of it accurate, much of it speculation and a bit of it produced by satire websites. 'Now, over fifty percent of the stuff out there has been produced by us using the stuff we found. A large part of that stuff is considered by mere

UK’s biggest telescope unable to find any funding

Jodrell Bank, the UK’s biggest telescope, faces closure unless it can find some funding. Despite being a glorified magnifying glass, it has so far been unable to do this, despite peering down the sides of the sofa in the staff canteen. Suggestions for self-funding have come primarily from 1970s perverts hoping to use the device not to look up at the heavens, but to look up women’s skirts, or seeing if Nigel Farage has £5 million in crypto to use it to find a Brexit benefit.

Joke candidate wins Clacton by-election

The Clacton by-election has been won by a comedy caricature who doesn't look human, or have any humanity.

Mumsnet to gain nuclear capability

Online whingeing forum Mumsnet is believed to have joined the nuclear powers after developing its own atomic bomb. ‘Obvs we’d prefer a hydrogen bomb’, a spokesmum said.

Voters of Clacton to decide whether climate change is real

As the UK swelters in the third heatwave of the summer, it was announced today that the people of Clacton in Essex will be given the chance to rule on whether climate change is a real thing or “just an establishment stitch-up”. “Yes, these things were once decided by scientists with qualifications,” said spokesman Dave Concrete of the Reform Party, which organised the poll. “Just as you might, say, get forensic accountants to go through a politician’s finances to determine wh

Touring mime troupe vanishes

Authorities in the quiet town of Stokely-on-the-Wey have not seen any signs of the members of a traveling mime group since their mysterious disappearance Saturday evening. Eyewitnesses’ accounts of what transpired have only served to muddle the investigation. One observer commented, 'I didn’t think they were very good to begin with. I couldn’t figure out what they were going on about.' No one in the audience seemed to know whether the troupe had finished their show or were st

Steer clear of Cryme Regis this summer, warn cops

Dorset Police are telling tourists to avoid the formerly sedate coastal resort of Lyme Regis, warning it has become a blackspot for crime and disorder. "Lyme Regis? Cryme Regis, more like," said a spokes-ASBO for Dorset Police. "Nowadays it's plagued by flying squads of hoodlums who operate in broad daylight on the seafront, knocking the chips out of people's hands and jabbing them repeatedly until an ambulance arrive. "And that's just the seagulls. "Plus they make a racket m

Exam board defends convoluted and labyrinthine Maths exam questions

A Qualifications Scotland spokesperson has defended a controversial Higher Maths paper after pupils said that it was "unrecognisable" from the paper they had prepared for in class. The pupils said that the wording of the questions was so confusing that they did not know what was being asked. Sir Humphrey responded: " A constriction of the channels of communication, that culminated in a condition of organisational atrophy and administrative paralysis may have lead to the mix-

Council reaps the benefits of using AI

West Wartley District Council has sacked all twenty staff from its complaints department and has replaced them with AI. The council says that early results are 'very encouraging'. Residents say that the AI is talking through its electronic bottom, and gave us the following examples of rubbish replies: Dear Mrs Snibbs, thank you for your delectable complaint about potholes. The council has a zero tolerance policy on all drugs, including pot. Accordingly, the council will not b

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

A middle manager is annoyingly and slightly weirdly insisting on calling even the most basic competence amongst his team their 'secret sauce'

Norfolk man arrested following unfortunate birthday blunder

Reports suggest a Norfolk man has been arrested on his birthday, after mistaking a police detail arriving at his residence, to be an elaborate stripogram act.

Council plans annual black bin collections

West Moorland District Council urgently needs to save money following ill-advised investments in casinos, wind farms, industrial units, a chip shop, and a rail tunnel under Buckinghamshire. Councillors had debated cutting black bin collections from every two weeks to every three weeks or even every four weeks. But the savings did not stack up. To balance the books, the council has voted to empty black bins once a year, on April 1st. ‘We are doing this to boost recycling,’ s

Local News

The Mysterious Case of the Missing Biscuits

Bashar al-Assad cancels Edinburgh stand up show over death penalty

Former dictator Bashar al-Assad has been forced to cancel his week long run of stand up shows at the Edinburgh Fringe after the Syrian courts sentenced him to death in his absence.

Sunday Times seeks new “bloke down the pub” columnist

Following the death of Rod Liddle the Sunday Times is seeking to hire a new “bloke down the pub” or “golf club bore” type to write a column every week.

Film budget blown by lack of full moon

A potential blockbuster film has had to reshoot multiple, high cost scenes because the director failed to notice the moon was waxing. Or waning, whatever. The scenes were 'ruined' because it is a Hollywood requirement that night shots only occur when there is a full moon.

Trump announces bid for presidency of FIFA

More bizarre ramblings today in a White House press briefing. Trump announced he intends to run for the Presidency of FIFA next year while also hinting he can easily fit the job in alongside his intended third term as tinpot dictator of the free world. 'Time for Jaa-neee to go,' said the megalomaniacal commander in chief. 'I gave him a chance to make us both a lot of money. Not to mention extended members of my family, too. Lots of money. Helluva lot of money. But he lost hi

Muppets to replace Infantino as head of FIFA

Following their bravura appearance at the World Cup Final – which included Animal making out with Madonna off-camera – FIFA has confirmed that its current head, Gianni Infantino, is to be replaced by Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy from the Muppet Show. Infantino’s position had become untenable after his scheme to sell stakes in the World Cup to private investors met with widespread criticism. It is the first time the organisation has had shared leadership and the first time t

Vintage comedian Jimmy Cricket caught behind for 80

Famous for his floppy hat and directionally labelled gardening footwear, the 80 year old mirth maker has finally stopped saying ‘Come ‘ere, there’s more’ because, quite clearly, there isn’t. Born, probably, in Northern Ireland, Cricket turned his attention to comedy after a tour of duty as chief entertainment officer and Libyan go-between for the People’s Front of Ulster, and a short stint as bass player in Belfast punkers Stiff Little Fingers during the mid 70s, failed to ra

BBC cuts, take two

The BBC announced programme cuts this week, to save money, but there was little reaction. Celebrity Mastermind was clearly cut because slebs are expensive. And who wants to watch a quiz show with ignorant slebs? Blankety Blank was cut because the sixties are out of fashion again, and because nobody needs a cheque book or a pen these days. And Live at the Apollo was cancelled after running out of comedians. And because some other channel will either keep the show going or crea

FIFA denies Infantino is slowly turning into a Bond villain

FIFA has dismissed suggestions that Gianni Infantino is transforming into a Bond villain after he was photographed at a summit alongside The Hood from Thunderbirds, Dr Evil and Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Concerns were first raised after Infantino unveiled FIFA’s plans for the 2034 World Cup while stroking a white Persian cat and explaining that matches would be staged “wherever pleases me”. The Hood reportedly welcomed the announcement before using his hypnotic powers to persuade

‘My Dinner with Andre’ plays to packed 4DX cinema

The 1981 classic has been re-mastered for a contemporary audience, with a full on sensory experience of a riveting two-hour conversation at Café des Artistes. Complete with violent chair tilts every time Wally quietly explains the nature of modest humanism and seat rumbles whenever he sips his wine. Said one exhausted viewer, ‘It was intense. What started as gentle discussion about experimental theatre, soon erupted with strobe lights and water sprays during moments of existe

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Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

The Mysterious Case of the Missing Biscuits

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Clacton voter refuses to go home

Farage resigns as MP again

"Come on in - the dividends are lovely" as water shareholders' bonuses set to increase

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition 21st of August

"Deliverance"? Nope. Can't say I have seen it. Why d'ya ask?

If we retrace our steps, we'll find your sunglasses, Jane - they can't be far away

Alfalfa male opens vegan restaurant

Government sends out emergency alert to tell people not to kill anybody

Disposable BBQs to be made out of stable doors following overnight rain

Jenrick says legless man just using his crutch as a crutch

As Hurricane Lala lashes Hawaii, Micronesia braces itself for Tinky-Winky, Dipsy and Po

Reform plan to abolish benefits system and bring back workhouses

Earth to be renamed Planet Trump

Model of squidgy clay man dated to the pleistocene era

Caption Competition 21st of August

Pip-pip, PIP

Tell it like it is

Brits stunned by unprecedented honesty of latest government alert

It's about time someone reined him in

Migrants: Search for demeaning lodgings continues

Government to cap train fares and golf club memberships

‘Total arse’ manifests in melted tarmac

Our annual for 2021-22

Clacton voter refuses to go home

Farage resigns as MP again

Sudoku editor in bigly trouble

"Come on in - the dividends are lovely" as water shareholders' bonuses set to increase

Joke candidate wins Clacton by-election

Met Police to recruit full-time apologist

Leavitt out

Burnham promises hot weather for everyone

With 34 candidates, Clacton voters complain of 'Far too much democracy'

Government announces all future laws to be based on emotion

"Come on in - the dividends are lovely" as water shareholders' bonuses set to increase

10 signs of eye damage from the Eclipse we told you to look at

Burnham promises hot weather for everyone

Illegal cigarettes “every bit as dangerous as legal ones”

Man tidies drawer immediately claims functional adulthood

Daily Mail in meltdown over new driving laws for seventy year olds

Holidaymakers facing choice between metaphorical frying pan and literal fire

Unexpected item in the bagging area

Horoscopes for August, by Ernest Tyro

Adult children living at home say parents treat place like a hotel

Farage to punish fickle electorate by hiding the sun

AI chatbot personalities unveiled

Anti-immigration protesters replaced by Thetford Wives

Rogue AI goes on a bender

Speed cameras on Moon capture SpaceX crash

Cyclospora outbreak leaves Americans in deep sh!t

Musk summonsed on charge of fly-tipping

AI chatbot errors intentional, claims developer

AI meltdown imminent, predicts AI

UK’s biggest telescope unable to find any funding

Joke candidate wins Clacton by-election

Mumsnet to gain nuclear capability

Voters of Clacton to decide whether climate change is real

Touring mime troupe vanishes

Steer clear of Cryme Regis this summer, warn cops

Exam board defends convoluted and labyrinthine Maths exam questions

Council reaps the benefits of using AI

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

Norfolk man arrested following unfortunate birthday blunder

Council plans annual black bin collections

The Mysterious Case of the Missing Biscuits

Bashar al-Assad cancels Edinburgh stand up show over death penalty

Sunday Times seeks new “bloke down the pub” columnist

Film budget blown by lack of full moon

Trump announces bid for presidency of FIFA

Muppets to replace Infantino as head of FIFA

Vintage comedian Jimmy Cricket caught behind for 80

BBC cuts, take two

FIFA denies Infantino is slowly turning into a Bond villain

‘My Dinner with Andre’ plays to packed 4DX cinema