The government is to make lazy racism a compulsory part of the national curriculum from September. Secretary for work and pensions Ian Duncan Smith made the announcement whilst on a trip to Spain, where he was meeting the Minister for Being Cruel to Donkeys.
"Britain's manufacturing is being left behind in Europe, we need to work to tighter intolerances", insisted Duncan Smith, from under his sombrero. "The new lazy racism modules will be included with Business Studies, French and especially German." The Minister then retired for a 'bloody typical' 3-hour lunch, and turned his nose up at the paella. "That stuff gives you the runs", he explained.
British school children will be taught how to make knee-jerk decisions based on sitcoms, hats and funny accents. "Our future 'captains of industry' will be taught how to stereotype with ruthless, German efficiency", explained Michael Gove, the education secretary. "By the end of the course, pupils should be able to separate a hard-working Pole from a shifty Romanian, and recognize garlic as a sign of weakness."
The Minister pointed out that a lot of assumptions can be made even before the interview, if a child is taught to spot the clues. "Will 'Pierre' drink wine during his lunch break? Can you trust 'Hans' not to annex the conference room? Do you have sufficient 'checks and balances' in place to stop Miguel from pushing donkeys down the lift shaft? We'll show our kids how to dismiss a CV after just reading the name at the top. And we'll teach them to give the paper a sniff: 'that lot' reek of curry."
The module will include some standard texts, including 'The French Lieutenant's Women', 'Pride in Prejudice' and 'The Daily Express'. "The government can help instill a sense of superiority in our children, but bigotry really must start in the home. We're encouraging parents to read out loud any examples of foreigners doing typical things from the tabloids. And they can point out a gypsy's Irish accent, or conclude that a Dutch lorry driver is probably stoned."
Ian Duncan Smith is confident that the changes will be well received. "Normally, it's a battle to get the media to support our policies. But the papers are already running a story about Lithuanians eating swans, and how Germany has no word for 'fluffy'. Typical bloody journalists."
