After much debate, product placement has finally been approved during royal ceremonies. The initiative will begin in 2012, with the Queen's Dyson Jubilee.
A royal insider confirmed some of the arrangements for the ceremony. The Queen and Prince Philip will make their way down Pall Mall in a new, bagless carriage, dubbed 'The Vacuum of Power'. The journey should take roughly the same time as her more traditional upright coach, but visitors will be reassured by how much more expensive it is.
The route of the parade has been chosen to avoid corners, which would require the carriage to be disassembled and fumbled back together on a big, wobbly hose. Some kerbs and fountains are inevitable, and hitting one could cause extensive damage. As a precaution, a team of footmen will be on hands and knees, ready to reattach any brightly-coloured bits of confusingly-shaped plastic.
Security is being taken very seriously at the event. In an emergency, a body guard will move a big lever on the front of the vehicle, enabling it to travel from tarmac to grass. This should ensure a spotlessly clean getaway. The carriage will then whisk the pair to a waiting bladeless helicopter, that no-one really understands.
The Royal household has made some concessions for the celebrations, including revisions to the 'royal wave' from the coach. The queen will now dampen her hands, offer them through a gap in the window, and slowly lower and raise them while commenting on how loud it is. Not everyone is in favour of this break with tradition: Prince Philip is insisting that he will instead wipe his hands on ceremonial jeans.
There are one or two problems to overcome. The royal hairdresser is said to be at her wits' end, and everyone starts sneezing when the coach is emptied. But our insider confirmed that overall, the Royal household are delighted with the deal. They haven't been so excited about secretly-arranged travel plans since a deal with a Fiat owner in Paris.