Local man Gary Earnley spent hours last night attempting to convince himself and his remaining friends that his mentally unstable girlfriend was merely “quirky”.
“She just has her own style, that's all,” he said, visibly shaking after his girlfriend of two years had screamed at him that he was “a fucking failure” and had “ruined” their lives because he had forgotten to buy cabbage. “She's quirky, you know, like that girl in 'Juno'”.
Previous incidents had seen her violently kick him out of bed, forcing him to sleep on the floor – an event of which she had no recollection in the morning – and run out of the house sobbing following an innocuous discussion about birds. This resulted in Earnley rushing around town for almost two hours to look for her, only to find her back at home in a good mood. Neither of them have mentioned this since.
At press time, Earnley was again rebuking his friends' suggestions that his girlfriend was “bat-shit crazy”, telling them it's clear they “just don't understand her”. Meanwhile his girlfriend slept off the mild breakdown that occurred after realising she had missed that days episode of 'Relocation Relocation'.