A recently discovered copy of the Anglo Saxon Winchester Chronicle is shedding light on the life of a long forgotten Viking chieftan, King Cunt.
The early 10th century warlord was methodically scrubbed from the history books by the monks he persecuted throughout his terrible career.
In the book, a narrative by Brother Aethelwold tells of a king so despised that even his own noblemen would cast the symbol of the throttling self abuser at him whenever his back was turned.
'T'was just ere Michaelmass eve when we first heard the terribly cry of the northern warlord jeering from the hills above our humble monastery. On he came, trampling our vegetable patch, scrawling obscenities across the churchyard wall, urinating in the mead barrels and touching up Sister Aelfgifu every chance he got. No-one was safe from his wanton cuntishness. More than once we beheld him curling one out on the alter of our lord after a heavy night on the beor. He would cast asunder the stacked winter faggots, throw merchants' carts into the river and whistle tunelessly all though the interesting bits of Sunday mass'.
'Will no-one rid us of this turbulent cunt?'
The king's reign of annoyance was suffered by the Mercian folk for many months before a plot was hatched to dispose of the tyrant by several local barons who determined, quite literally, to turn the tide on the troublesome monarch.
During a particularly drunken night of revelry and nun fumbling, the 3 noblemen challenged the king to test his abhorrent personality to the limit, by walking, fully armed and armoured into the sea and order Ægir, god of the sea to 'Fuck off back home you fucking foreign bastard'. As he did so, the 3 conspirators cast rocks at the foundering, drunken warlord and shouted 'Get thee gone thou pribbling hedge-born flap-dragon and trouble us no more.'
The king was drowned and his memory was erased from the annals as punishment for his many misdemeanours and acts of general cuntery.
And so the land returned to peace and the monks dwelt in harmony, tending their flock and spreading faith, love and blessed joy until their monastery was burned down by the warriors of King Uter-Wanker in 978 AD.