Michael Gove, the schools’ minister, announced today that OFSTED, the school inspection body, would continue their work unhindered by the disruption that the NUT and ATL teacher’s strike would cause. In some cases, he admitted, parents would have to let OFSTED inspectors into their homes to scrutinize the educational provision for those children who were affected by school closures.
‘It is entirely right,’ explained Mr Gove, with a slightly exaggerated style of pronunciation, ‘that we expect our inspectors to be rigorous and thorough in the important job we are asking them to do. In order to compete with growing intellects in China and India, we must be strict in our enforcement of the due process of inspection and the law. This will mean that on the day of the strike, some inspectors whose target institution, sorry school, will be closed, will have to go to the homes of the children affected.’
Parents will be graded on the leadership and management of their house and their neighbours and children will be encouraged to fill out an anonymous questionnaire exploring their view of the home. Following the inspection, the local press are expected to send inexperienced reporters to write exaggerated stories fitting pre-existing misconceptions about the household based on gossip.
Homes that are deemed to be failing will be paired up with the local neighbourhood watch leader who will ‘work in partnership’ with the failed institution to help raise standards. Conversely, those homes that the inspectors deem to be ‘Outstanding’ will be encouraged to become ‘free houses’ where they can set their own price for a pint, free from the interference of the brewery.
A spokesperson for 'Parents In School Situations', the body rapidly set up as an umbrella organisation to suport those affected said, 'I don't really think anyone will care. Most of the parents are going to work anyway and have just told the kids not to open the door to anyone. That or they'll send them down the park to get pissed on cider and try to shag each other.'