ATHENS, GREECE - Controversy was sparked in a small, inconspicuous,
run-of-the-mill cafeteria near the Greek Parliament building in
Athens, when a local resident otherwise enjoying his afternoon coffee
got into a heated argument with a couple of friends and the waitress
regarding the amount of cigarettes smoked by himself between 4:30 and
5:30 pm local time.
Giannis Katsikaris, the person in question, insisted that the amount
escalated to 4 Lucky Strike Silvers, a viewed shared by one of his
peers as well as the owner of the cafeteria. Marina Skentzou, the
waitress, on the other hand, maintained that the total tally was 3
cigarettes, and no less.
"It was clear to me that this particular customer didn't smoke more
than 3 cigarettes during his stay in the cafeteria. Then again, it was
also quite evident that he couldn't have smoked 2 or less.", Skentzou
told a NewsBiscuit reporter who had arrived on the scene.
Katsikaris, on the other hand, reportedly answered: "My pack had five
cigarettes in it when I sat down to drink this Mocha Crappuccino miss
short-sighted over there served me. Now, it has one. Do the math. All
my friends are non-smokers, and so is my dog, Madame Woozypants. Isn't
that right, my little sweetheart?" he added, before stroking a
particularly confused chihuahua sitting on his lap.
Local bystanders refused to comment, citing phrases such as "Who the
fuck cares" and "What the hell is wrong with you" as the reasons
behind their silence.
The ashtray used by Katsikaris has been seized by local police in
order to shed light on the ongoing mystery. Lab results are expected
to be released by the end of the week. According to reliable sources, Greek Police are expected to use advanced laboratory techniques to estimate the number of cigarettes smoked by Katsikaris, such as, but not limited to, "counting the number of cigarette buds".
Dick Justice, for NewsBiscuit