Pyromaniacs all over Britain are celebrating as the big four supermarkets stepped up the petrol price war.
“At anything up to £1.35 a litre, the cost of torching something as simple as a garden shed was getting beyond a joke,” said Charlie Hallam of Didsbury, a serial pyromaniac with over 30 blazes on his CV. “I’ve done my share of bricks and mortar in the past, but that takes gallons of unleaded and I just can’t afford it these days.”
Alec Weston of Henley-in-Arden was more cautious. “It’s time the independent filling stations followed suit. It’s all right when you live in the cities or large towns, but my nearest big supermarket is a twenty mile round trip. And have you seen the price of petrol?
Pyros are not the only group celebrating the price war. Demolition workers everywhere applauded the move, which has seen Tesco, Sainsburys and Asda slash 2p a litre off the pump prices with more cuts promised over the coming days. One man, who did not want to be named, told us, “It’s hard enough to set up a good blaze so that the smoke drifts over those lines of washing, without the cost of petrol hitting our pockets, too.”
Lee “Torchy” Mannion, a professional arsonist from Hackney, said, “The recession has seen an increasing number of people approaching me for a final, er, stocktake, but spiralling petrol prices mean I’ve had to jack up my fees to unprecedented levels and that’s had an adverse effect on business. Anything that helps keep me competitive has to be good news.”
His views were echoed up by fellow hitman, Frank “The Flame” Staithes of Gateshead. “The risk of some arsehole bubbling you on Twitter for shagging your wife’s sister means a lot of men are looking for a solution to personal problems, and it’s not cheap.” Filling jerry cans at his local Tesco, Frank told us, “I know this is only tuppence a litre, but every little helps.”