Lord Sugar, curmudgeonly entrepreneur and star of The Apprentice, has leapt to the defence of his company's new smartphone. The Amstrad 'Oi!' Phone, available exclusively from an oiBarrow in East London, is said to be dropping at least one 'App' a week.
"I've only been on Lord Sugar's network a month, and already five Apps have disappeared", complained a deluded 24 year-old pencil case salesman, in an alarming suit. There's still plenty of Angry Birds on here, but to be honest, they're starting to annoy me".
There is some innovative technology behind the Apps. A helicopter simulator can create the illusion of being in an office in the Gherkin and a CV fabricator, 'Alan's Sugared Resumey', has been used repeatedly. But many of the Apps are unstable, faulty or shit at presenting.
Complaints aren't limited to Apps. Claims that the phone doesn't always listen, and often tells you to shut up, were rebuffed by Lord Sugar: "what do you expect? It's a bleedin' phone. Like my old man always said, if you want somefink reliable, buy a spoon". A work-around involves holding the phone flat in front of you, and speaking loudly over your colleagues.
Lord Sugar has denied that the device contains tracking software. "We don't need it, if you've got one of these, Nick will follow you everywhere, pulling faces and making notes. He tells me bleedin' everything. And you can stop complainin' about the satnav an' all. I don't wanna 'ear about how it got you tangled in a wooded boundary, you said you wanted to be at the bleedin' 'edge".
Amstrad are hoping to draw attention away from the phone's problems, by launching some innovative new products. Lord Sugar explains: "My boffins 'ave come up with this tablet computer, it's got Wi-Fired and loads of Flash. 'Ere, watcha doin'? Get yer paws off! Whatdya mean a 'touch screen'? You can touch it all yer like, dunno what bleedin' good it'll do yer."
Lord Sugar is most proud of his new set-top box, though. Designed specifically for today's slim LCD and plasma panels, the set-top box once again allows people to balance ornaments, nick-nacks and clocks on top of their tvs. "Don't be putting in anyfink too 'eavy, mind. You'll make it crash."