I'm giving up trying to teach chavs how to cook swans and peacocks, I've decided to go 'back to basics'. If you have a terror of toasters, kettle-confusion, or the microwave radiates fear, don't worry, Jamie's here to help you feed your family, with hardly any work. Pukka!
All these recipes use local food: there's no excuse for driving more than 10 miles to a Sainsbury's. You don't need any fancy tools, skills or sense of self-worth to dollop these beauties on to a plate, and beam with pride as your kids pick at it in front of the telly. Watching me, I hope!
Tinned soup with crisps: Tinned soup is full of fruit and vegetables, probably. Depends on the flavour. Tomato's good, I reckon. For a twist, open the bottom of the can, but turn it upside down first. Heat the soup in a kettle, or be well posh and have it cold, from the fridge. The Spanish do that, you know. Well fancy. Serve sprinkled with vegetable crisps. Potatoes are a vegetable, just tell 'em Uncle Ollie said so!
Jamie's authentic refried beans: Beans are great, they're two of your four a day, or whatever. A bean is a fruit, and so is a tomato sauce. But tomato sauce is confusing, because most people think it's a vegetable. So I always serve this with seasonal potato waffles. Fry the beans in a pan until they 'clag', then let them cool down while you remember to switch the oven on. Bang a potato waffle in and watch your favourite program. When the adverts come on, quickly refry the beans and serve in a cup, bowl or a fairly clean hat.
Oliver's Army egg and soldiers: This is a favourite at my 'Fifteen' restaurant, where I use an army of tramps on the minimum wage to cook food sold at London prices. You can make this with toast in the Winter, but I recommend local free-range margarine on bread in the Summer. It's possible to cook eggs at home, but why bother? Just pop a pickled one out of the jar and into an egg cup. Pukka! Serve with little interest.
One Show sandwich: This beauty has absolutely no content at all. Just pop two slices of white out of the bag, and push them all in your mouth at once. If you look in the mirror, it'll bring back memories of Adrian Chiles. Nice one! Serve with Tizer.
Surf n' Turf: This is a great time-saver for busy mums. Pop open a tin of sardines, squeeze in some salad cream, and eat it while you take your morning dump. A classic combo that also saves on soap. Serve with the fan on.
Chinese Uprising: Well, we can't be saints all the time, can we? Every now and then we have to send one of the kids to get our tea from the takeaway. But next time, get your little Periwinkle or Billy-Bob to order an extra dish of rice and curry sauce. Next day, stick the sauce on the rice, and watch it spinning in the microwave for 2 minutes. That's what I call a food revolution! If the rice came in a foil tub, you even get fireworks. Serve with self-loathing.
Jamie O xx