The much-vaunted 'crime map', a database that shows the locations of crimes across the UK, has become the victim of organised pranksters, it was revealed today. Following a decision to add the names and faces of perpetrators to the crime sites, a string of cock-and-balls, misspelt obscenities and other graffiti has appeared on the map.
The first childish penis appeared on the outskirts of Liverpool, pointing at Manchester and jizzing on Old Trafford. This was swiftly followed by a string of copycat burglaries around Wigan, which spell 'scouse twats' if you squint a bit. Police are appalled at the number of breasts now circling the Mersey, and have blamed 'tit for tat' fly-tipping by rival gangs.
The crimes haven't been restricted to the North West. Various speeding offenses in Milton keynes suggest that 'Baz Roolz' and poachers have added veins and a 'japs eye' to the Mull of Kintyre. Spates of vandalism have attempted to alter town names, with high concentrations in Penistone and Cockermouth. All police leave has been cancelled in Scunthorpe.
Police have grudgingly acknowledged that they have been impressed by the artistry of some petty crimes. The addition of a naked woman and the letter 'S' in Norfolk may have caused an increase in hotel bookings in Wells-Next-The-Sea, and forensic scientists have confirmed that the image in Fan-Y-Big is anatomically correct. A surprisingly graphic series of disturbances of the peace have caused an area of the map around Brown Willy to be blocked by Google's SafeSearch.
Police are using linguists and other specialists to help them with their enquiries. A trap has been laid in East London, where they're hoping to link burglaries that spell 'BELLEN' to a D-shaped estate to the East. Doodle experts can successfully predict the location of a nipple, which has already led to the arrest of an illegal clamper in Watford.
But these attacks are new to the constabulary, and some mistakes have been made. "We spent three weeks staking out the wrong street in Birmingham, where we'd predicted a testical would appear. But the gang struck just north of us: we really dropped a bollock on that one." Police are rumoured to be making a pattern of arrests which will add a stern-looking bobby to the map as a warning, but a senior officer refused to be drawn on the plan.