The Financial Services Authority has enlisted the world’s leading moral philosopher, Guru Viswan from the mountains of Tibet, to provide ethical guidelines for bankers, it was revealed this week.
Briefing the British Bankers Association at the Royal Mint, an FSA speaker said that banks had a duty to "care for the spiritual as well as the financial needs of customers".
"Our philosopher, Guru Viswan firstly recommends that high street banks use a combination of hallucinogenic drugs and tantric sex to regain the trust of customers. In this fast-moving world he says we need to offer this kind of service as we have for some reason struggled to connect with our customers."
The BBA has not yet discussed how to pay for spiritual enlightenment. "First we wanted to size up what kind of enlightenment our customers needed before adding on any extra charges. But the guru says that we should ‘leap over ditches’ like the fact there is no money, and ‘not really worry about the long term’as we will be bailed out by the goodwill of humanity."
The Association also invited the guru to tell them a moral tale to help them review their hard nosed banking careers and hopefully connect with their spiritual sides too:
One day a bank manager’s elderly mother fell down into his cess pit. His mother cried piteously for hours as he tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided that she was old, and the cess pit was redundant anyway; it just wasn't worth the cost of hiring a winch to retrieve her.
He invited all his banking colleagues to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel more shit into the cess pit. At first, his mother realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement she went very quiet. A few shovel loads later, the banker finally looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw.
With each shovel of shit that hit her back, the old lady was shaking it off and taking a step up. As his colleagues continued to shovel shit on top of her, she continued to shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as she stepped up over the edge of the cess pit and happily shuffled off on her zimmer!
Banks may shovel shit on you, but they can’t keep you down.