David Cameron unveiled the coalition government’s controversial new plan to control an ever aging population today, and in doing so solve the current pension crisis. Enforced euthanasia at age 80 will become compulsory from 1st August 2011.
According to recent estimates, the number of people over 80 could rise by 40% over the next 3 years putting an enormous strain on the state, nursing homes and stenna stairlifts.
Under the new laws a person’s maximum age will be strictly enforced at 80. When people reach their 80th birthday, or “lastday”, they must report to a “snoozeshack” at which they will be willingly executed, with the option of their last moments accompanied by the Countdown theme. Margaret Thatcher is thought to be first in line in an effort to galvanise public support for the initiative.
The government are planning an extensive media campaign fronted by Terry Wogan. Wogan, a much loved broadcaster by the older generation, will also head a crack team of enforcers along with Alan “Deadly” Dedicoat. Any individual who attempts to avoid their fate will be mercilessly tracked down and terminated by Wogan and his team. These runners will be know as Target Octogenarian Geriatrics or “TOGs”
As a gesture of appreciation for making the ultimate sacrifice, the elderly will each receive a free parker pen from Michael Parkinson as they had themselves in.
The Chinese authorities are also known to be interested in Cameron’s plans as a way to control their population problem. A spokesman from the Chinese embassy commented “Ah…Wogan’s run. Yes we big fans of original. About time for remake, who directing, David Wynch?”