The American government has confirmed that they intend to clone a new version of Osama bin Laden who will be made to stand trial, be found guilty and then executed all over again.
‘Many people were delighted when they heard that we had shot bin Laden,’ said President Obama, ‘but, at the same time, a lot of people also wanted to see him face trial for his crimes. Cloning bin Laden gives everyone what they want.’
The project, headed by geneticist Dr Craig Venter, will take DNA extracted from the body of bin Laden and use it to create what is being hailed as the world’s first test-tube terrorist. ‘Genes account for about 50% of human behaviour,’ explained Venter, ‘so, at the very least, this clone can be convicted for half his crimes.’
Legal restrictions on human cloning have been set aside on the grounds that the bin Laden DNA is technically classed as an ‘enemy combatant’ and therefore not subject to American law. As a precaution, to avoid any legal challenges, the cloning will take place at a secret laboratory at Guantanamo Bay.
Fertility expert Lord Winston raised a note of caution: ‘While they may be able to create an Osama bin look-a-like, the Americans will also need to provide an unstable geo-political environment for him to grow and develop.’ However, Pentagon sources say they already have that one covered.
‘Making bin Laden stand trial will help the American people achieve closure,’ said their most respected psychiatrist Dr Phil McGraw. ‘Gaddafi just isn’t the same, and no-one even knows how to pronounce “al-Zawahiri”. The only solution is to bring back Osama, put him on trial and kill him on prime-time tv.’
However, the conviction of a cloned bin Laden is by no means guaranteed. ‘The trial of OBL Mark II could be OJ Simpson all over again,’ said legal expert Professor Alan Dershowitz, ‘and defence counsel can always argue that their client was not only set up by the American government, he was deliberately bred and nurtured by them from the start. They quite literally made him what he is.’
Claims that the plan was just a cynical election stunt designed to boost President Obama’s ratings were rejected by Whitehouse Press Secretary Jay Carney: ‘Cloning bin Laden is about truth, justice and the American way,’ he said. ‘We are treating this trial with the utmost seriousness, which is why it will be televised around the world and be presided over by Judge Judy.’