New government plans have been uncovered indicating that the official school leaving age is to increase from 16 to 66. In documents leaked by a ‘reliable government source’ to The Sun the government wants to bring the new leaving age into force by 2015.
“The government believes that the move will improve school attendance figures whilst ensuring that children leave with at least 250 GCSEs” said the un-named source. “They also see the move as a way of reducing unemployment and improving law and order.”
Anger at the plans has already been voiced by the NUT (National Union of Teachers). “This is going to have a big impact on families. The parents of your average sixty year old are going to be faced with an interminable round of school runs, parents’ evenings and helping with homework.” said a NUT spokesperson. “You’ve got to think of the teachers too. I’m not being ageist but dealing with incontinence in 5 year olds is one thing but a class full of leaking sexagenarians is something entirely different.”
The leaked document has caused further outrage by suggesting that the retirement age be increased to 106. The government source said further, “They want to get at least 40 years’ service out of the average worker and if school leavers want to go into further education they’ll face retiring at 116.”
Age Concern has also aired its concerns “Whilst we applaud the educational chances that may be available we think that this may be a shrewd attempt to close even more care homes. Plus if people are working then they will miss out on afternoon bingo and visits from the stroking dog club. On the other hand keeping older people in detention will help to stop the blight of anti-social behaviour after school.”
The Prime Minister, David Cameron said today that although there was no substance in the ‘leak’ his government was looking at ‘innovative’ ways of making improvements to the education system. “We have inherited a system that clearly isn’t working. Children are leaving school unable to read and write or with a basic knowledge of maths, we simply have to improve this. Industry is suffering as a result so drastic steps need to be taken. We owe it to the next generation.”
So far there has only been one voice in support of the age increase. Janette Krankie said, “As a cross dressing woman posing as teenage school boy for the past forty years staying on at school hasn’t done me any harm, I mean look at me I’m still working – just about. It’s Fan'dabi'dozi!”