High definition broadcasts, coupled with the widespread adoption of large-screen TVs, are drawing unwanted attention to presenters' blemishes, the BBC has revealed. The corporation is investing heavily in make-up artists as HD goes national, and some presenters are taking the opportunity to cash in with their own-brand cosmetics.
"The issues of blackheads, crow's feet and patchy skin tone wasn't a problem when HD services were launched in the North of the country", explained a member of the Guild of Gilded Anchormen. "People up there are more used to the odd wart or missing tooth. But now, with the broadcasts edging closer to the Home Counties, it's important that our presenters don't offend anyone with their natural appearance."
Andrew Marr is the first high-profile presenter to launch his own cosmetics. "When we showed Andrew Marr to a test audience on a hi-def, 60" television, they recoiled in horror. No-one had realised he was so panhandlingly grotesque, on a normal TV he just looked a bit odd. But by working with some of the leading cosmetic chemists in the industry, Marr has once again become the acceptable face of broadcasting."
Marr's new range, which includes ear tape, tooth off-whitener and a cream that draws attention away from a weak chin, will be on the shelves this week. But 'Marr's Attracts' will face stiff competition, with Evan Davis and Alan Carr both launching similar products.
Evan Davis is particularly proud of his 'Avon Davis' tie-in, which will include 'guyliner' to gently draw sunken, beady eyes out from the skull, and a putty that allows ears to be built up to the same level. A hand cream is also in development, to stop them flailing around unexpectedly. However, Alan's 'Carrbuncle' range is expected to be the most extensive by far.
Not all presenters are so keen to embrace the changes. Female presenters have complained about the pressures to remain blemish-free and under 40, if they want to carry on working for the BBC. And Jeremy Paxman was forced to issue a statement, following internet rumours that he uses a special paste to fill his pock-marked face. "These allegations are without foundation", snapped Paxman. "Or rouge".