In a radical overhaul of funding for NHS gynaecology departments, the government has announced proposals for privately funded supplements to treatments.
‘We have long been searching for a cost-effective way of funding expensive and expert gynaecological examinations,’ said a junior minister, ‘but we have recently been very impressed by women in pubs and clubs around the country who seem able to combine such examinations with pole-based revenue generation.’
‘Under the new plans, a basic examination would be conducted under the watchful gaze of an assembled audience, with each member contributing only a small amount of money. A more private and detailed consultation could take place, although the consultants would not be permitted to touch the women. In many ways, this follows the historical traditions of gynaecology’
‘For the fullest service a pioneering ‘champagne treatment’ would be introduced whereby the consultant is at liberty to fully explore the patient’s symptoms. We see this as the ideal way in which to ease the funding crisis in the NHS. The champagne itself is a saleable asset and an entertaining feature of a previously dull procedure. We like to see it as putting the ‘fun’ into fungal infection.’
The proposals have not been universally accepted. Some have questioned the need for the proposed alcohol licence on the ward. Others have expressed concern that some patients’ ailments might lead to revenue losses, and thus would leave a bad smell hanging over the proposal. However, the most controversial proposal has been the introduction of the 20-stone bouncers on the door. ‘It is an absolute disgrace,’ said the shadow health secretary, ‘there is no need for such people in a modern gynaecology department. At 20 stone in weight these people are most likely morbidly obese, and we all know how much obesity costs the NHS each year.’