Tonight, David Cameron compared so-called 'absent fathers' to drink drivers. The move was intended to stigmatise young men who play no part in the raising of their children. However, it immediately raised the question: what about absent fathers who drink-drive? What are they like?
Members of the cabinet debated the issue. It was considered an 'own goal' to compare them with fraudulent MPs, and a 'banker' comparison was dropped for being 'too passé'. There was some support for using Ed Balls as a simile, but this was abandoned after legal advice.
The final answer was arrived at after giving Eric Pickles a bucket of vodka, and letting him loose on Mumsnet as a single mother called Cheryl. Pickles ranted at length about his imaginary feckless lover, his refusal to pay maintenance, and his taste for swigging whisky on the M25. The influential forum arrived at its conclusion in the early hours of the morning: the father of 'Cheryl's' children was an 'AIDs-ridden pig fucker', that would not be provided with urine in the event of combustion.
The result will be drafted into coalition policy somehow in the next week or so.