It has been revealed that Saturday evening television programmes are being scheduled by Dignitas.
This explains the mind-numbing, nausea-inducing, eye-stabbingly awful rubbish being shown on all channels.
A spokesman for Dignitas said: 'We are very pleased with the increased number of clients we are getting as a direct result of being unable to stand the pathetic juvenile insulting drivel we have scheduled for television. You will see our influence on other days, of course, and very soon we hope to be responsible for everything shown on British television.
'We're also moving into advertising, and we're delighted with the number of people who say that if they hear the Go Compare or Compare the Market adverts one more time, they will be on the next flight to Switzerland. So we've now scheduled those ads for every single break, and we're building a huge extension to our place as a result. Simples!'