Al Qaeda operatives across the world are considering strike action over whether their new leader’s vision of building the ‘Fly Al Qaeda’ brand is compatible with the movement’s core mission of ‘bringing about the downfall of infidel, western-infiltrated governments’.
‘It’ll be the safest airline in the middle east’ said Mr Zawahiri, speaking from his secret hideout in Peckham. ‘Obviously you’ll have to convert to Islam during check-in, but once on board your safety is guaranteed. We can spot suicide bombers a mile off.’
Mr Zawahiri was known to have been exploring alternative sources of revenue during his time as second in command, but still surprised many with today’s announcement. ‘My hero is Richard Branson – I grew my first beard because of him’ he stated. ‘If he can do it, so can we. Pity he took the name ‘Virgin’.’
The grass-roots membership expressed dismay at the prospect of short term job losses in the traditional ‘troop maiming and civilian killing’ sections of the business, but Mr Zawahiri remained upbeat about the movement’s long term prospects. ‘Despite a cash flow squeeze there will be no compulsory redundancies’ he said. ‘All jihadists will be given the option to retrain as air stewards and pilots - just as long as they remember their aim is to keep the aircraft in the air. Just kidding!’
‘I joined this movement to kill the Jew, not to serve poor quality halal vol-au-vents to overweight businessmen’ said Mahmood Afghani, an explosives expert and shop steward of the Consolidated IED and RPG Operatives Union. ‘Besides,’ he continued, ‘where on earth will we fly to? Cave A to Cave B direct? Guantanamo bay? It wasn’t like this under the old boss’.
‘Look’ said Mr Zawahiri, ‘as soon as we’ve made some money we can get back to causing havoc. But who knows? We may crush the west through our superior customer service skills. Only time will tell.’