The 25 worst-performing primary schools are to be redesignated as zoos, according to Michael Gove, the Education Secretary. The schools will be used to both protect endangered feral children, and to provide entertainment to the British public.
"Many believe that feral children are on the increase, but this simply isn't so", said Gove, sporting a Safari jacket and mortar board. "The feral child is easy prey for daytime TV and papers like the Mail and Express. Numbers have been dwindling for some time now."
The new 'zools' will feature viewing platforms, and members of the public will be able to feed the children for a small fee. "We've got a nutritionist to maintain their unbalanced diet, and to help them open their microwave burgers", Gove explained. "Obviously, we'll only allow the public to feed the more gentle 'mongs' and 'bennys', the properly deranged examples will be kept in these special glass cages".
At first glance, the glass cages would appear to have plenty of air holes, but this isn't the case. "They're just big enough for a broom handle", demonstrated the Minister. "The public love poking a mental with sticks. Look! That one's chewing the end!". A tazer pit is currently under construction, for demonstrating the more violent neds and chavs.
Gove outlined plans for a string of Comprehensive safari parks to be attached to the new attractions, where people could observe packs of wild pre-teens in a 'natural' environment. "We're including objects that will help to keep them active: bus shelters for them to smash up, artificial newsagents for them to shop-lift from. The only obstacle is the safety of the public: it would appear they can key a car with amazing precision, and if anyone breaks down, their radio will be out and the tyres chewed within seconds".
Ministers hope to be able to breed from the specimens once they reach full immaturity, at around 14. "We can then release them back into the wild. Or use them as cannon fodder: depends how it's going in Libya at the time", said Gove.