Simon Cowell today announced 2 new shows to cater for the rapidly-descending taste of Britain's TV audience.
'These shows will be huge,' said Cowell, tight-lipped as always due to the botox. 'In Britain's Best Baiter we'll be looking for people who have the skills to bait animals such as bears and badgers, or even those who can bait Jews and homosexuals. The crueller they are, the more likely they are to win.
'In Mock The Afflicted, we'll be looking for vulnerable people who are mentally ill, or physically disabled, or old, or stupid, or ideally a combination of all of those. And we will be inviting the studio audience and those at home to laugh at them.
'Naturally we'll having a panel of judges. Besides myself - well, there isn't room for anyone else in my universe. But the other judges will be Jonathan Ross and Frankie Boyle, both of whom have shown themselves totally devoid of morals or any sort of humanity when it comes to those less fortunate than themselves.
'Entertainment will be provided by any couple of talentless bints who are willing to take their clothes off, pretend to be lesbians and upset the Daily Mail.'