Labour leader Ed Miliband is to undergo a life-changing operation in which surgeons attempt to fit him with what are being described as ‘a seriously large pair of cojones’.
‘Ed was already going in to have his adenoids removed,’ explained Deputy Leader Harriet Harman, ‘so we thought why not just flip the trolley round and have him fitted with some balls as well.’
It is hoped that the balls will endow Mr Miliband with a much-needed sense of political gravitas, plus what Labour sources are describing as ‘a booming stentorian voice that will shake the very rafters of the House of Commons.’
The decision to operate follows an earlier attempt to fit the Shadow Cabinet with Ed Balls, although this backfired by only going to highlight the absence of balls in their leader.
In the 12-hour operation Mr Miliband will be anaesthetised by listening to old Neil Kinnock speeches. Once under, surgeons will fit him with a pair of weighty testicles provided by one of Britain’s many ball donors. The name of the donor is a tightly guarded secret but many believe that they are being supplied by Lord Prescott – raising the possibility that if the adenoid removal and ball-fitting operations become confused, Mr Miliband could spend the rest of his life talking bollocks.
The operation is not without risk. Badly fitted balls can lead to political impotence, premature electioneering and possible rejection by the body politic. However, if it works, Mr Miliband will be imbued with a sense of political potency not seen since the days of Margaret Thatcher, Britain’s first recipient of a ball transplant in the 1970s.
‘In those early days fitting a person with balls could generate many side-effects,’ explained operating surgeon Sir Magdi Yacoub. ‘In Lady Thatcher’s case, while they helped her to win three general elections, the high testosterone levels eventually drove her mad.’ It is believed that Lady Thatcher later had her balls removed and now keeps them in a jar on her mantelpiece.
‘Obviously with a ball transplant there’s always the risk of things going pear-shaped,’ said a visibly nervous Miliband, ‘but I have spoken to my brother David and he assures me that if it all goes wrong then he is prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice, and transplant his entire body into the role of party leader.’