Gero, how dare you make me splutter coffee all over my laptop.
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Dr Finlay, I think I've got acute angina.
Aye, it's no' bad, Janet. No' bad at all, hen.
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(386 posts) (74 voices)
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Is it OK to post a slightly less old joke?
_ _ _A man takes his wife to get tested.
Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.
The doctor tells him, “Due to an unfortunate mix-up in the lab, we're not sure if your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer's."
The man, clearly frustrated, asks, “Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?”
The doctor calmly suggests, “I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, do not let her in ..."
Posted 8 months ago # -
Q. What's the difference between someone coming out of a church service and someone getting out of a bath?
A. One has a soul full of hope.
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A lion escapes from a zoo with a £20 note and goes into a bar.
Lion: Pint of lager, please.
Barman: (spotting the £20 note) Certainly sir. That'll be twenty pounds.Lion does a double take knowing it's being ripped off but hands the £20 over anyway gets the pint and sits on a bar stool. Barman starts chatting.
Barman: Not a bad day.
Lion: Yeah, it's OK.
Barman: We don't get a lot of lions in here I have to say.
Lion: Not surprised mate, the price of the fucking beer.Posted 8 months ago # -
Paddy having his medical to join army,Doctor wanting to delve into his family medical history asks, How old was your father when he died and Paddy says,27,died of TB. How old was your Mother when she died,the doctor asked,26 says Paddy, TB.
Well I'm sorry says the doctor,witha family history like that we cannot afford to waste time and money training you only for you to die young.
On his way out, Paddy tells his mate Mick what happened.
Doctors asked Mick, How old was your mother when she died, Mick says , 86,died in child birth.
That's impressive says the doctor,how old was your father when he died.?
102 says Mick, he got kicked in the bollocks playing rugby.
Posted 8 months ago # -
Man to smart young woman: If I gave you a million pounds, would you have sex with me ?
Woman: Well, yes I suppose
Man: So, how about a quickie now, for a fiver ?
Woman: That's disgusting!! What sort of girl do you think I am ??
Man: I thought we'd established that, we're just quibbling over price
Posted 8 months ago # -
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress.
He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and there is a big, bearded Alaskan standing there.
"Name's Enoch... Your neighbour from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"
Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
Posted 7 months ago # -
I once joined the Ancient order of the silent monks, where I was only allowed to say two words once a year....at my first year celebration the Abbot asked me what I’d like to say... “bed hard” was my reply....
At my second year celebration the abbot again asked me what I’d like to say....”room cold” was my reply....
On my third year celebration the abbot once again asked me what I’d like to say “going home” was my reply....
The abbot turned to me and said “Thank fuck for that, you’ve done nothing but moan since you came here!”Posted 7 months ago # -
Like your joke Rowley but prefer variation where one monk per year is chosen at random to say something. Year 1 Bro. Peter says - the porridge is too lumpy. Year 2 Bro. Paul says - the porridge is too thin, not lumpy enough. Year 3 Bro Nigel, new recruit says - I'm leaving.
Why?
Can't stand the constant bickering about the porridge.
Anyone with me on this preference?Posted 7 months ago # -
Twins. Brother and sister both aged 6 and the brother has started picking up bad language.
'If you don't stop cursing and swearing Santa will only bring you horse manure for Christmas," says his Dad.
Year passes by but the boy hasn't mended his ways and so comes Christmas morning when the kids are looking in their stockings to see what presents Santa has left for them.
"Oooh! he's brought me a beautiful dolly and a beautiful doll's house. What about you?" says the girl.
"He's brought me a fucking horse. Now if I can just find the bastard," says her brother.
Posted 7 months ago # -
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into the EU.
The Englishman says: 'I don't like it here any more. Jock has to leave with me. Why don't you come as well Paddy?
The Scotsman says: 'Did ye hear that? The nerve o' the fuckin' Sassenach! Well, Paddy, what are ye ganna dee eh? Go back to the Englishman who oppressed ye for 800 years or stick wi' the free association of nations that lifted ye out o' poverty??'
And the Irishman say: 'Oi don't know. Oi'm DAT stupid.'
Posted 7 months ago # -
Women goes into a pub and askes the barman for a double-entendre, so he gives her one.
I know it's an old joke, but it always makes me laugh all over again every time I hear it. It's such a lovely, neat, self-referential gag. And of course has that crucial element: complete silliness. Thank you!
Posted 7 months ago # -
Two rabbits escape from the vivisection lab, sprint across the busy main road to the fields in the distance. Once there, they find the whole farm is dedicated to carrots and the two furry friends gorge themselves to their hearts' content.
As evening falls they discover an old disused system of warrens and burrows. It provides them with comfort and safety from the elements and they sleep soundly that night.
The next morning, they decide to explore a bit further and discover a colony of female rabbits in an adjacent field. Naturally, the two bucks make the most of the situation until they are exhausted.
Later that evening, back in their warren, one of the rabbits turns to the other and says "I think I'll go back to the lab tomorrow". The 2nd rabbit is astounded - "WHAT!" he says, "we've got a comfortable safe habitat, unlimited supplies of carrots and all the doe that we could possibly shag - why would you want to go back to that place?"
The 1st rabbit replies "Yes - but I'm dying for a fag".
Posted 7 months ago # -
The only Karate joke I know:
Businessman visits Japan & is invited to his host's house for the evening
He's curious about the nation's martial art, so he asks the host about it, who offers a brief demonstration:
"See that fly buzzing around?" <CHOP!> The fly falls in 2 neat halves
"That's impressive" exclaims the businessman
"Yes? Well, that's nothing", and the host brings in his elderly father. <CHOP CHOP!!> and another fly falls into 3 neat pieces
"Wow, that, really amazing"
"But even that's nothing compared to my grandfather", and an ancient man is wheeled out for the guest. <CHOP CHOP CHOP!!!> and the fly continues on its circuit
"But, it's still flying around; did the old chap miss?"
"NO, he didn't! And that fly will never have any children!"
Posted 7 months ago #
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