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theumpire
offlineMember
Does anyone remember Mike Harding doing a story about a budgie flying around the kitchen while he was eating porridge for breakfast; the budgie was soaring in the thermals rising from the hot porridge, and budgie shit looks a lot like porridge ....
If anyone likes Mike Harding, enjoy this -
Click here
or here.
Two hunters are out shooting in the woods. One of them has a bad fall and hits his head on a rock. The other one sees his eyes have rolled back and he appears to have stopped breathing. He panics, calls 999 on his mobile and screams down the phone: ‘It’s my friend – he’s hit his head – he’s not moving – I think he’s – DEAD!’
‘Now try to stay calm, sir,’ says the woman, ‘and we’ll take it a step at a time. The first thing to do is to make sure he is actually dead.’ The line goes quiet, she hears a gunshot, then he’s back on the line. ‘Okay, what’s the next step?’
allmyownstunts
offlineMember
A bear and a hedgehog are fishing. The bear lands a magnificent golden fishy. Luckily for my joke, it's a magic fish, and it grants them both three wishes.
Bear: I wish all the female bears in this forest found me irresistible.
Hedgehog: I wish I had a motorbike.
(magical tinkly sounds of wish being granted by fish)
Bear: Sod it, I wish all the lady bears in the entire country found me irresistible!
Hedgehog: I wish I had a motorbike helmet.
(ditto)
Bear: You know? I wish every she-bear in the entire WORLD found me utterly irresistible!
Hedgehog (strapping on helmet and revving bike): I wish the bear was gay.
(whaddayamean she's obviously meant to be getting on with some work today and it's not going well? What a cheek...)
The All New Jeni B
offlineMember
Y'know, as I read it, I heard the tinkly sound of the wish being granted by the fish.
Cool.
Oxbridge
offlineMember
Two Essex boys in a deathly dull pub one Friday night. Gaz says: "This is boring, fancy trying a new place the other side of town?"
"Dunno," says Darren, "it's a bit of a walk innit? What's so special about this place?"
"Well listen to this mate," says Gaz. "How it works is, ya go in, they gives ya a drink, then ya go upstairs for a shag. Ya come back down, they gives ya another drink, ya wait around listening to music and then ya go upstairs for another shag, wiv someone else. It goes on like that all night. Then next morning, they gives ya 50 quid and sends ya home in a taxi."
"Faaarrrkin 'ell," says Darren. "That saaahnds brilliant? Have ya bin before?"
"Naah," says Gaz, "but me sister Sharon has."
brownpaperreporter
offlineMember
A man on a business trip to Japan manages to get a day off and heads for the nearest geisha bar. In the middle of the act the geisha is shouting "pusjhada, pusjhada", encouraged by her shouts he pushes harder and harder. He left the geisha bar very satisfied with himself
Next day the meeting is continued but on the golf course with his host. As he tees off the first, his ball ricochets off a tree and lands in the hole of the 9th. "Pusjhada" says his host, curiously he asked what it meant "got it in wrong hole" was the reply
curry muncher
offlineMember
The old undertaker tells his apprentice that he is now ready to work unsupervised when preparing bodies for their journey to the hereafter. “We’ve got two corpses coming in today. One is an old man who died in his flat and was not found for several weeks. You’re probably not ready for him yet. The other is a young girl of eighteen who died peacefully in her sleep. You can see to her.”
So off they go, each to their respective work-rooms.
After twenty minutes the apprentice rushes in to see his boss. “Come and look at this”, he says “she’s got a prawn up her fanny”.
The old undertaker disbelievingly follows his apprentice and asks him to reveal the offending crustacean.
“Look”, says the apprentice, parting the lips of the girl’s minge, “there”.
“That’s not a prawn you fool, that’s her clitoris”.
“Well it tasted like a prawn ….”
medici2471
offlineMember
Haywood - cow/woman ... You've never met my wife then....
butagirl
offlineMember
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.
Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.
"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.
Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.
"Good God, you were right all along," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I managed to push 'em back in!"
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