Does anyone remember Mike Harding doing a story about a budgie flying around the kitchen while he was eating porridge for breakfast; the budgie was soaring in the thermals rising from the hot porridge, and budgie shit looks a lot like porridge ....
Old Jokes Home
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Two hunters are out shooting in the woods. One of them has a bad fall and hits his head on a rock. The other one sees his eyes have rolled back and he appears to have stopped breathing. He panics, calls 999 on his mobile and screams down the phone: ‘It’s my friend – he’s hit his head – he’s not moving – I think he’s – DEAD!’
‘Now try to stay calm, sir,’ says the woman, ‘and we’ll take it a step at a time. The first thing to do is to make sure he is actually dead.’ The line goes quiet, she hears a gunshot, then he’s back on the line. ‘Okay, what’s the next step?’
How can you tell when a Blonde has made chocolate chip cookies? M&M shells all over the counter.
How do you know when a Blonde has used your computer? There is White-out on the screen.
Malgor, that's two gems
Keep 'em coming
A horse goes into a pub.
The barman says: "Hey, why the long face?"
The horse says: "So I can get it that much further up your wife's minge, you unfunny c*nt."
So Jesus sets off walking across the Sea of Galilee, but after a few yards he starts to sink very slowly. Peter shouts "Jesus, Jesus, what's the matter?"
And Jesus replies: "I'm sorry my son. I can't go on. It's these holes in my feet..."
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Monkey see, monkey do.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
A bear and a hedgehog are fishing. The bear lands a magnificent golden fishy. Luckily for my joke, it's a magic fish, and it grants them both three wishes.
Bear: I wish all the female bears in this forest found me irresistible.
Hedgehog: I wish I had a motorbike.
(magical tinkly sounds of wish being granted by fish)
Bear: Sod it, I wish all the lady bears in the entire country found me irresistible!
Hedgehog: I wish I had a motorbike helmet.
Bear: You know? I wish every she-bear in the entire WORLD found me utterly irresistible!
Hedgehog (strapping on helmet and revving bike): I wish the bear was gay.
(whaddayamean she's obviously meant to be getting on with some work today and it's not going well? What a cheek...)
Y'know, as I read it, I heard the tinkly sound of the wish being granted by the fish.
Two Essex boys in a deathly dull pub one Friday night. Gaz says: "This is boring, fancy trying a new place the other side of town?"
"Dunno," says Darren, "it's a bit of a walk innit? What's so special about this place?"
"Well listen to this mate," says Gaz. "How it works is, ya go in, they gives ya a drink, then ya go upstairs for a shag. Ya come back down, they gives ya another drink, ya wait around listening to music and then ya go upstairs for another shag, wiv someone else. It goes on like that all night. Then next morning, they gives ya 50 quid and sends ya home in a taxi."
"Faaarrrkin 'ell," says Darren. "That saaahnds brilliant? Have ya bin before?"
"Naah," says Gaz, "but me sister Sharon has."
Jesus walks into a hotel and slaps a bag of nails down on the counter. Looking at the receptionist he says "can you put me up for the night?"
A man on a business trip to Japan manages to get a day off and heads for the nearest geisha bar. In the middle of the act the geisha is shouting "pusjhada, pusjhada", encouraged by her shouts he pushes harder and harder. He left the geisha bar very satisfied with himself
Next day the meeting is continued but on the golf course with his host. As he tees off the first, his ball ricochets off a tree and lands in the hole of the 9th. "Pusjhada" says his host, curiously he asked what it meant "got it in wrong hole" was the reply
Sex is what posh people have their coal delivered in.
The old undertaker tells his apprentice that he is now ready to work unsupervised when preparing bodies for their journey to the hereafter. “We’ve got two corpses coming in today. One is an old man who died in his flat and was not found for several weeks. You’re probably not ready for him yet. The other is a young girl of eighteen who died peacefully in her sleep. You can see to her.”
So off they go, each to their respective work-rooms.
After twenty minutes the apprentice rushes in to see his boss. “Come and look at this”, he says “she’s got a prawn up her fanny”.
The old undertaker disbelievingly follows his apprentice and asks him to reveal the offending crustacean.
“Look”, says the apprentice, parting the lips of the girl’s minge, “there”.
“That’s not a prawn you fool, that’s her clitoris”.
“Well it tasted like a prawn ….”
Resurrecting old pages day..
What's got two legs and bleeds? Half a dog
What's the difference between a cow and a woman?
A cow can stand in water up to its tits without getting its arse wet.
A bloke walks into a baker's shop to buy a cake. He looks around and notices that all the cakes in the shop are three quid except for one which is priced at a fiver.
'Why's that one more expensive?' he asks the shopkeeper.
'That's madeira cake.'
'Bloody hell,' says Paddy, 'Your living room has an incredibly high ceiling now doesn't it.'
'Aye,' replies Murphy, 'We've had two rooms knocked into one.'
Haywood - cow/woman ... You've never met my wife then....
Another Scottish joke:
Q:10 cows in a field. Which one is on holiday?
A: The one with the wee calf.
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.
Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.
"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.
Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.
"Good God, you were right all along," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I managed to push 'em back in!"
What do Essex girls and washing machines have in common?
They both leak when they’re fucked.
How do you stop a dog chasing someone on a bike?
Take its bike away.
Why did the Baker have brown fingers?
He kneaded a poo.
Did you hear about the Hyena who swallowed an oxo cube?
He made himself a laughing stock.
Why is Lt. Uhura brown?
Because William Shatner.
Snowman one to snowman two: "Can you smell carrots?"
I like short.
"That's not my dog" is the best tag ever
'Mr. Whippy having a shit.'
The punch line to my favourite visual joke.
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