Stiggy's post over on the brainy board reminded me of this old chestnut:
"I work for Cunard"
"Don't we all, mate."
(you have to say it out loud)
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Many years ago my brother in law worked in sales for a timber company called Cox Long (you can see where this is going can't you?).
He so impressed one customer they asked him how on earth he could offer such a good price. Without thinking he replied "You can when you're Cox Long!"
He recounted the story back in the office and the management were so taken with it they adopted it as the company slogan and put it on all the delivery wagons, some of which are still around.
Posted 6 years ago # -
Wow stunts! Comedy clearly runs in your family.
It's just noses in mine.
Posted 6 years ago # -
Some of my favourite jokes come from the criminally overlooked Milton Jones.
My Auntie Marge has been ill for so long, we've renamed her 'I can't believe she's not better'.
My Grandad wasn't well either, so we covered his back with lard. After that, he went downhill fast.
Posted 6 years ago # -
Ah, Milton Jones! He really is a puntastic genius.
I was walking down the street the other day and I saw a clown's eye, which was a big plus.
When the boys at school found out I had a potentially fatal allergy to peanuts, they used to hold me up against a wall and make me play Russian Roulette with a bag of Revels.
Posted 6 years ago # -
The Cunard joke's an old favourite. Fleshed out, an Englishman pulls up at an Irish petrol station, and the attendant asks him where he works. 'Actually I work for Cunard.' and the attendant replies 'Well I work feckin' hard too but I can't afford a feckin' Rolls Royce...'
Posted 6 years ago # -
This chap's on a train without a loo, and he's dying for a dump. So in desperation he sticks his arse out of the window.
Half a mile down the track some workmen see the train coming, and one says to the other: "Hey look! You slap his face and I'll grab his cigar!"
Posted 6 years ago # -
A man is having an extra-marital affair. He calls in to “visit” his girlfriend every morning and evening. Sometimes he calls in at lunchtime too.
His wife becomes suspicious and consequently becomes more demanding in the bedroom, insisting on sex every evening and morning.
Eventually, all this activity takes its toll and he visits the doctor.
“Let me get this right”, says the doctor. “You’re having sex 4, 5 or 6 times a day and you’re 47 years old. Why have you come to see me?”
“Well”, he replies, “every time I have a wank I get a headache”.
Posted 6 years ago # -
Chap goes to the doctor complaining of some gastric discomfort. "What do you normally eat in an average day?" the doctor asks.
"Well I get up, have a quick snack like biscuits or cake. Then I have a full English fried breakfast. Then on the train to work I normally have a couple of Mars bars. Then at coffee time I often have another quick snack like a packet of chocolate biscuits. At lunchtime I go to the canteen and have a three course meal. Middle of the afternoon I have another snack like an apple or a couple of bananas. On the way home I often stop for a burger and chips. For my evening meal I have a three course supper. And then before I go to bed I have something like a bowl of cornflakes or a piece of cake, just to keep me going."
"Can you take your trousers down for me please?" the doctor asks. The patients does so, and the doctor shines his torch up his bum.
"Yes, I think I can see what the trouble is," the Doctor says. "What is it Doc?"
"The trouble is you've only got one arsehole!!!"
Posted 6 years ago # -
I believe the credit belongs to Bob Monkhouse, about 30 years ago. I'm fairly sure it also won an award as one of the best gags ever. But you knew that, didn't you Mr Hack.
Guess I'd better include one more...
The horse is called 'Blacksmith'. He's always making a bolt for the door.
(Credit: Christmas cracker, circa 2008.)
Posted 6 years ago # -
No, it was a new one on me - many of them are. Maybe old chestnuts to some, but fresh comedy gold for others.
Quite interesting to see so many blue/off colour jokes still tickling the funny bone.
We know we shouldn't really like them, but I think 'grown-ups' can.Posted 6 years ago # -
A millionaire is on TV explaining why he is so rich.
"When I was 16 I left school and went on the dole. After six weeks I had saved £30, so I went to B&Q and used the money to buy a shed. I then built it in someone's garden and charged them £40. In the first year I made over £500 profit.
In the second year I did the same again and made another £500.
In the third year my grandmother died and left me £2 million, so I thought fuck the sheds I'm rich"
Posted 6 years ago # -
The scene - the local pet shop.
A cage full of budgerigars with four perches in it. The two top perches are marked £4.50 a bird, the bottom perches £3 a bird.
Why the difference in price, when the birds are flying freely around the cage?
The more expensive budgies are on hire purchase.
(and they're covered in budgie shit)
Posted 6 years ago #
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