Scotsman walks into a butchers and says "do you keep dripping"
"yes"
"embarrassing isnt it"
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A rabbit hops into a butchers' shop and says "have you got any cabbages?"
The butcher says that he doesn't sell cabbages and the rabbit hops off. The next day the same rabbit hops into the same butchers and says, "have you got any cabbages?"
The butcher, getting annoyed, says "look I told you yesterday - I'm a butcher, I don't sell cabbages, now go away!"
The rabbit hops off. But the next day it hops into the butchers again and again asks "have you got any cabbages?"
The butcher, really annoyed now, snaps "No I haven't got any damn cabbages! If you come in here again asking for cabbages I'm will nail your ears to the floor!"
The rabbit is scared by this and quickly hops out the door.
The next day it hops into the butchers and asks "have you got any nails?"
The butcher replies angrily, "NO"
“Okay,” says the rabbit with a grin, "have you got any cabbages?"
Posted 9 years ago # -
Q: What goes "Bellow, bellow! Two soup plates please?"
A: A bull in a china shop.I met a man walking past the olympic stadium carrying a long metal stick. I said "Are you a pole vaulter?"
He replied "No, I'm German - but how did you know my name was Walter?"Posted 9 years ago # -
Chinese man sitting in the First Class compartment on the Oriental Express. A ticket collector comes in and says: "Sorry sir, but you can only sit here if you have a first class ticket."
The Chinese man replies: "That ok. Me got first class ticket" and shows it to the collector. This happens a couple of times, and he's starting to get a bit annoyed.
Finally a steward comes through with a trolley and refreshments. "You for coffee?" he asks breezily.
"NO! You fuckoffee. Me got first class ticket!!"
Posted 9 years ago # -
A man goes to the doctor with a very bad skin complain all over his body. After checking him over, the doctor tells him that the only cure is for him to bathe regularly in milk.
So, on the way home, the man pops into the corner shop and asks for as much milk as will fill a bath.
The shopkeeper says "pasteurised?" and the man replies "No, just up to my neck should do the trick"Posted 9 years ago # -
I'll re-post my favourite joke of all time (I added it to another chat thread a week or so ago):
A well-known faith healer stages his show at a large venue for an evening.
Sat closest to the stage are people with various disabilities, inflctions and illnesses and they can be called on stage to be healed.
The healer picks-out two randon people from the side of the stage and they walk to the stage.
The first person is a man using crutches. The healer asks him his name "Stanley", and then what's wrong with him "I broke my legs 20 years ago in a motorcycle accident and haven't been able to walk since". "Don't worry Stanley, I'll cure you" said the healer.
The healer turns to the second person and asks his name "Kevich" is the reply. The healer looks puzzled and asks what's wrong with him "I'm got a spooch inpedimed" the healer then realises what's going on "Oh, your name's Kevin and you've a speech impediment". "Yesh" says Kevin. "Don't worry Kevin I'll cure you" said the healer.
The healer stands on the stage with Kevin and Stanley either side. The lights dim. The healer asks the audience to all join hands and chant "Heal Kevin, heal Stanley" 20 times.
There's a pytotechnic flash on the stage. A spotlight is pointed at the healer's face. With great drama he shouts "Stanley throw away your crutches" and they are heard crashing to the side of the stage. There's another flash as he shouts "Kevin say something". "Stoonleds fallind over" replies Kevin.
Posted 9 years ago # -
What do you call a man with a spade in his head? - Doug
What do you call a man without a spade in his head? - Douglas
What you call a deer with no eyes? - No idea
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? - Still no idea
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? - Cliff
What do you call an epileptic in a pile of leaves? - Russell
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool? - BobI'll stop now.
Posted 9 years ago # -
A man's walking down the street when he notices walking towards him is a man who has an orange for a head.
"Um, excuse me there... sorry, but you seem to have an orange for a head" says the first man.
"Yes indeed I do. And there's a story behind it" the man with an orange for a head replies "perhaps, I could tell it to you if you would like".
"I would indeed like to hear this story"
"I shall gladly tell it then"
"and it will surely be a fine thing for me to hear this tale"
"Oh a fine thing indeed"
"well then""I was walking down a country lane not but a few weeks back when I found a small brass lamp of the type pertaining a long thin spout and small ornate curved handle. I announced to no-one in particular that it had an Arabian appearance and upon picking it up for closer examination I rubbed it with the cuff of my shirt.
"Well, out popped a Genie, a miraculous creature indeed, who without pause proceeded to tell me that I had freed him from his cage and that as a reward he would offer me three wishes.
"for my first wish I said that being a millionaire would be a fine thing indeed and that I would wish that. No sooner had I finished articulating my desires did I find my pockets full to bulging with £50 notes and the genie told me that when I returned home I would find my house awash with more money.
"for my second wish I asked for the cutest 23 year old blonde girl in the world to be mine forever more. Lo and behold she walked around the corner and we fell in love right there and then.""What a fantastic tale" the first man spoke "and what would have been your final and third wish?"
"For my third I wished that I had an orange for a head".Posted 9 years ago # -
and
What's the best thing about sex with twenty six year olds?
There's twenty of them.
Posted 9 years ago # -
Wife: You're dad got thrown out of the swimming pool this morning for peeing in the pool
Husband: That's a bit harsh...I should think lots of people his age do it
Wife: Yes...but not off top boardThere were these three blokes right, and every time they opened their mouths....a pile of shite came out.
Well, to make matters worse.....Posted 9 years ago # -
R.E class. Teacher asks wee Billy MacDonald : Who knocked down the walls of Jericho ?
'I don't know sir' said Billy 'but it wasn't me'.
Lunch break,teacher complains to colleague.Colleague says she knows Billy well and that she believes it wasn't him.
Teacher makes appointment with Dept of Education and explains situation. ' That's absolutely shocking ' says civil servant ' We'll send the builders round first thing tomorrow morning.'
You did say old..
Posted 9 years ago # -
So I'm trying to find my way out of the lunatic asylum but can't find the exit. So I go into one of the wards to ask directions. The only person there is a patient, with his willie in a biscuit tin. "Can you tell me the way out please?" I ask him.
"Don't ask me - I'm fucking crackers..."
Posted 9 years ago # -
Why did the baby biscuit cry?
Because his mum was a wafer too long.(Or because she spent all her time on NB and forgot to go tuck him in. Oops! Back soon...)
Posted 9 years ago #
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