Man A: "My mother made me a homosexual."
Man B: "Ooh, if I give her the wool can she make me one?"
C'mon, Biscuits, what have you got lurking in your comedy attics?
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(143 posts) (47 voices)
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The All New Jeni B
onlineMemberOk, you asked for it...
Q: "Why did the elephant cross the road?"
A: "Because it was the chicken's day off.
Posted 3 years ago # -
fernandomando
offlineMemberQ. Why did the Essex girl cross the road?
A. To attack a random stranger with a baseball bat for no reason whatsoever
Posted 3 years ago # -
fernandomando
offlineMemberTwo weasels are drinking in a pub. One says to the other 'Oi you, I fucked your mother'. The other one stays calm and doesn't react.
The first weasel repeats his claim 'Oi you, did you hear me? I fucked your mother'
Again, the second weasel stands at the bar and quietly drinks his pint.
Finally, the first weasel goes right up to the face of the second, and shouts 'I said I fucked your mother!'
At this, the second weasel finishes his pint, puts the empty glass on the bar, turns to the first weasel, and says, 'Come on dad, let's go. I think you've had enough.'Posted 3 years ago # -
rickwestwell
offlineMemberProve it, Madjez! :-)
I knew an old Cornish fisherman. Every day he'd go out to sea, no matter what the weather.
One day he went out in the worst possible conditions - he didn't have a boat...Posted 3 years ago # -
MADJEZ
onlineMemberA bloke in the pub with his neighbour says
You and the missus were making a lot of noise last night. Lots of shouting and screaming and banging.
Neighbour says
Oh sorry about that I was with the wife doing some rodeo-fucking
Bloke
Rodeo fucking ?
Neighbour
Yes I get her on the bed on all fours, slip into her from behind and after a while I lean over, and whisper in her ear 'God you're a fucking ugly cow'. And see how long I can hang on.
.... I'll get me coat
Posted 3 years ago # -
brownpaperreporter
offlineMemberA duck walks into a bar and orders a pint and a sandwich. "bloody hell" says the barman "you can talk". "you're bright" says the duck grumpily "just a pint and a sandwich please". Next day and the following 4 days exactly the same, grumpy duck, pint, sandwich. On the fifth day the barman asks "what brings you here", "Im working across the road on that building site" says the duck, "now a pint and a sandwich please"
Next day a guy drops into the pub to leave a leaflet about a circus coming to town "you wont believe this" said the barman "but a talking duck comes in here every day", "get him to pop down" says the guy from the circus
Later on the duck gets to the pub but before he can order the barman says "Ive got a great job for you"
"for me?" asks the duck
"yes"
"doing what"
"its with the circus"
"the circus?"
"yes"
"the circus in the field?"
"yes"
"The circus in the canvas tent in the field"
"yes"
"what the fuck do they want with a plasterer?"Posted 3 years ago # -
saltire
offlineMemberApproaching midnight,torrential rain,a sales rep sees a b&b sign in small village.He parks the car,arrives at the door soaked to the skin and rings the doorbell.5 long minutes later an elderly landlady answers,curlers in,teeth out ; WHAT DO YOU WANT ?
'I want to stay here for the night' WELL STAY THERE..and the door slams shut.[c] T.Cooper
Posted 3 years ago # -
MADJEZ
onlineMemberTwo old boys with Alzheimers are sitting on a bench at the seafront.
First one saysWhy don’t you go and get a couple of ice-creams
Second oneOk what do you want.
FirstI’ll have a 99, but write it down or you’ll forget.
SecondNo I can remember that
FirstIn fact I’ll have a 99 with chopped nuts but write it down.
SecondNo, no it’ll be fine.
FirstMake that a 99 with chopped nuts and strawberry sauce but write it down you’ll never remember all that.
SecondLook I think I can remember a simple ice-cream order.
Off he goes.Two hours later he returns with a paper bag
There’s your pastie.
First one looks in the bag looking really annoyedYou stupid bastard, you’ve forgotten me chips.
Now I really will get my coat before I get lynched, the rest are worse.
Posted 3 years ago # -
nealdoran
offlineMemberA man wearing a patient's gown walks into a pub opposite the hospital. Ashen-faced he asks the barman for a triple whisky, the barman fills his glass and the man downs the drink and asks for the same again. He knocks back the second whisky too.
'I shouldn't have had that with what I've got,' the man says to the barman.
'Why, what have you got?' asks the barman.
'37p', replies the man.
Posted 3 years ago # -
rickwestwell
offlineMemberBear walks into a pub, says to the barman: "Pint of ........................ lager, please."
Barman says: "Why the big pause?"Posted 3 years ago # -
brownpaperreporter
offlineMemberMy 2 fave lightbulb jokes
How many soul fans does it take to change a light bulb? 6. 1 to change the bulb, 5 to say "its not as good as the original"
How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Bill Gates just redefines darkness as an industry standard
Sauce - its actually THIS big!
Posted 3 years ago # -
nealdoran
offlineMemberAn old lady goes to the doctor with a personal problem.
‘I constantly get this terrible wind,’ she complains, ‘it’s silent, and doesn’t smell at all, but it’s giving me dreadful stomach cramps – I’m having one right now. Is there anything you can do for me?’
The doctor prescribes her some pills and tells her to come back next week.
The next week she comes back and tells the doctor. ‘Doctor, those pills have just made things worse. I’ve still got the wind and the stomach cramps, but now the wind smells absolutely terrible. What can you do?’
And the doctor say, ‘well, that’s sorted out the problems with your sense of smell, now let’s see what we can do about your hearing’.
MY FAVOURITE JOKE EVER.Posted 3 years ago # -
antharrison
offlineMemberSome of Les Daweson's finest:
My mother-in-law says I'm effeminate. Compared to her I suppose I probably am.
My mother-in-law is so ugly, when she cries the tears roll down her back.
I said to the chemist, "Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?" He said, "Why?" I said, "She keeps waking up."
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
And one of my favourites:
Two golfers are putting on the 9th green. One of them notices a funeral procession driving past the golf club and he stands solemnly, removes his cap and puts it over his chest.
His mate says "That's the most touching thing I've ever seen you do"
He replies "Well she was a lovely wife."
Posted 3 years ago # -
antharrison
offlineMemberTwo british tourists are walking though a village on the Italian coast and they notice an old guy who looks very upset, They go up to him his name and ask how he's doing and why he looks so upset.
He replies:
I'm-a Luigi
I've-a lived here-a for 60 years-a
You see-a all the hundreds-a of houses on the hillside-a? I built-a the lot. Do the people round-a here-a call-a me Luigi the builder-a? No!
You see-a all dozens-a boats-a in the harbour-a? I build-a them all-a. Do the people round-a here-a call me Luigi the boat-a builder? No!
I shagg-a the one sheep-a....
Posted 3 years ago #
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