The new technology of Frictitious Energy Generation is being pioneered in deprived areas such as Radcliffe and Salford in Greater Manchester, whereby unemployed men suffering from long term moobs are wired up to the National Grid to produce renewable energy. The electricity generated from their jiggling appendages is harnessed by a complex series of electrodes and wires and then fed into a device hidden in the seats of their motorised wheelchairs or the foothills of their bellies.
Dave Gaskell, 19 and on disability benefit due to sardonic testicles, was asked how it feels to be doing something productive for the environment, whilst sitting on his arse. He replied, “F*** off, d**k.”
Research trials also suggest that women on benefits may be able to help too. Britney McFaddle, 17, left school with most of the contents of the stationery cupboard, a baby and an NVQ level 1 in wearing shoes. Now she is giving something back to society by generating electricity every time her Elizabeth Duke 9ct gold hoop earrings sway in the breeze or her belly button ring gets infected. The heat given off from the sore area generates an impressive 9 gigawatts of energy, which is enough to light a whole Lambert and Butler cigarette. When we asked what she thought of Frictitious Energy Generation, she said, “They don’t get your hair as straight as Ghd.”
The Big Society idea of the chronically feckless helping the middle classes to power their sprinkler systems and Bose stereos is so popular among both scientists and politicians that David Cameron has ordered more heavy meat food to be put in pies to speed up the onset of man boobs and muffin tops in all benefit claimants.