Britain’s self-styled Chief Druid, Arthur Pendragon today criticised what he called the unelected coalition of the Holy Trinity. Speaking from his Stonehenge HQ he said that the human race was ‘indignant’ at the policies imposed by the Trinity over the past 1600 years.
Mr Pendragon said that he was looking for a return to the way things were three millennia ago, when humanity was a big society worshipping local gods in return for protection against pestilence. This uncomplicated style of deity offered a basic affordable afterlife to everyone, usually in an underworld or via reincarnation, all for the price of an occasional sacrifice of a lamb, calf or even a human - all of which could usually be sneaked back and eaten when once the festivities had been completed.
‘The God of Israel was just one of many gods,’ he said. ‘Originally he wasn’t bothered about world domination; he was happier getting pissed with his privileged mates in the Archangel Club. But after flattening Jericho and drowning the Egyptian Army during a couple of serious benders he acquired a taste for power.’
Pendragon said that even after dubbing himself The Father and adopting the leader of the Illiberal Party as his son, God had a few policies set in stone but still no mandate. ‘There weren’t many takers for the so-called Narrow Way, I can tell you. The deal was you abandoned your family and possessions, mortified your flesh and hoped to become one of the chosen few, like Eton or the House of Lords, or remained with the vast majority getting an eternity of wailing and teeth-gnashing, like EastEnders.’
The breakthrough came at the end of the fourth century when the Trinity was established as a formal coalition with the Holy Ghost. ‘Nobody wanted them, but suddenly they were everywhere, using armies and inquisitions to enforce their policies and establish deep-rooted divisions,’ said a resigned Pendragon. ‘Eventually some guy from Mecca formed an effective opposition, but some of them are just as bad, with some pretty nasty and intolerant policies of their own.
‘Anyway, must dash. I’m due in court to get an injunction against some Archbishop fellow disguised as me pushing Trinitarian policies. I’ve got an image to protect.’