WASHINGTON, Saturday. A White House spokesperson announced today that the catastrophic Andean geological turmoil was now "under control", thanks in large part to the US-led bail-out of bankrupt financial institutions. Many US and local manufacturers and suppliers, as well as commodities warehousers, having been severely impaired by today's earthquake, are now in what the White House described as "technical default".
Under close questioning, though the spokesperson acknowledged that payment on insured credit defaults for business failures arising from this natural disaster would be a "turn-up" for Wall Street's books, which he refused to describe as "cooked", the spokesperson added a rambling statement from the Treasury Department about eastern offsets which remains unclear.
It is thought that CDOs raised on loans in regions on the eastern side of the Andean fault had been laid off or reversed in the early hours of Saturday, and that tired, emotional Treasury officials had offered a statement categorically denying the allegation, prematurely.
The White House underlined that profits East of the Andean events would not be used to fund social programmes of any kind, and that they would "shore up banks' profits" "for the benefit of taxpayers".
No-one at Goldman Sachs trading desk was available to respond to NewsBiscuit inquiries.