Apple faces a legal battle today after hackers accessed the company’s website and rewrote crucial troubleshooting advice, leading to over 1000 customers baking their IPod in the oven. Customers consulting the ‘My IPod will not sync with my PC’ section were advised to ‘Place your IPod in an oven-proof dish of at least 3 inches in depth, cover with a pre-prepared filling of stewed Bramley apples, 500grams of refined sugar, one teaspoon of cinnamon and if you are feeling fruity, a dash of almond liqueur. Mix 300grams of plain flour with 100grams of butter and a generous handful of unrefined or brown sugar. Take your warranty and receipt, decimate freely and mix in well. Apply the resulting mixture evenly to the top of the apple mixture. Top with a sprinkle of brown sugar, and bake in an oven for approximately 30mins at Gas Mark 5. Remove from the oven and allow to cool for ten minutes, as the IPod’s conductive surfaces can become very hot!
‘Once cooled sufficiently’, it continues, ‘remove the IPod and wash thoroughly. Attempt to reconnect the device and sync your media collection. If this does not remedy the problem, please consult the section “How to make a good crumble”, following the instructions carefully. If you still experience problems, please take your IPod to your local Apple shop, as there may be a problem with the hard drive’.
The incident lead to a dramatic rise in returns over the last week, and workers in Apple shops worldwide have been flummoxed after customers attended with partially-baked goods. Security had been increased as many customers were forcibly removed from store premises for spilling crumbs and causing the stores to smell of something other than elitism and pure expense. The company was only alerted to the source of the confusion after their customer service team was sign-posted to the rewritten advice by an email entitled, ‘Is demerera sugar the same as brown?’
The corporation faces a hefty outlay to repair all the IPods affected, and may yet have to provide compensation after a number of blazer-wearers removed from the outlets have since exhibited post traumatic stress, fearing that they may be ostracized and reduced to using PCs for life. A spokesperson for Apple stated that they would contest any liability on the grounds that ‘Norton should have picked it up’. ‘Furthermore’, she added, ‘the inclusion of an almond liqueur should have alerted the average Apple customer to the hoax, as they drink only fine whiskeys, vintage wines and liquid money’. Apple would not comment upon accusations of elitism, instead releasing a statement only decodable using Photoshop CS5.