The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are to follow in the footsteps of other contemporary first-time homeowners by ‘doing up’ Kensington Palace and then selling it on.
“Apparently the last person to live in this gaff was some single mother from Norfolk, so it needs quite a bit of work doing.” said a Kate, scratching her arse whilst brandishing a paint roller “The whole fit is just so 1690.”
In order to keep costs down, Prince William has said that it’ll be very much a family job, with he, Kate and other royals all pitching to complete the project.
“You wouldn’t think it to look at her, but old Liz is a dab hand with a gauging trowel, plus dad knows a few blokes who can grout and apparently uncle Ed can sort me out a bit of knock-off plywood.” said the Duke, before adding “Plus, they’re all unemployed so it’s not as if they’ve got anything better to do.”
He continued, “Obviously, we’re thinking primarily of resale value so we’re going for laminate flooring and magnolia throughout. And we’re especially looking forward to seeing what Prince ‘Handy’ Andrew makes of that fusty old William Kent-designed Cupola room.”
While most critics have labelled the royal couple’s plans as a monstrous, Kevin McCloud has already hailed the as-yet-unfinished build as an inevitable ‘triumph’. There is, however, general consensus on all sides that the newlyweds should at least give Prince Philip something to do, as the BBC’s royal correspondent, Peter Hunt, notes.
“Everyone knows he’s the most useless of the lot so I have a feeling they’ll come under pressure from the taxpayer to get a bit of useful work out of him at last. And besides, every building site needs its token objectionable work-shy racist milling about on some scaffolding.”