A study carried out by Psychology Professor Brian Martin at the university of Manchester has confirmed the extinction of the so-called ‘selfless act’. Having been thought to be in decline for a number of years in a society becoming ever more self-serving, self-absorbed and self-obsessed, Professor Martin’s findings that the last true selfless act occurred in 1912 still came as a surprise.
‘I was expecting to find that genuine good deeds were quite rare, but to discover that there hasn’t been a single one since a Peter Moore of Northampton helped a lady carry her shopping home almost 100 years ago, just because she was struggling, and didn’t even attempt to invite himself in for a shag afterwards, has come as a real shock.’
The study consisted of tests on a group of charity workers and also a thorough investigation into records of historical doers of good deeds. Aided by a revolutionary drug which regulates the levels of the body’s self-satisfaction chemical Smugatine, Professor Martin discovered that when the charity worker’s ego was kept in check they quickly lost interest in raising money for new hospices, cancer research or overweight spider monkeys.
With their Smugatine levels kept under control during the study the test subjects were also found to be over 90% less likely to mention their charity work at dinner parties, family gatherings or to random people they passed in the street.
When questioned about his claims that no good deeds have actually been done for almost a century Dr Martin was adamant that his study was accurate.
‘What may look like selfless acts at first, such as giving money to charity, helping an old lady cross the road, or letting yourself into a disabled person’s home and redecorating their bedroom, are actually done to provide the ego boost that these people crave. What most shocked me during this study was when we looked into the life of Mother Teresa expecting to find no end of selfless acts. But instead we found that she was an insufferably self-righteous egomaniac with a real holier-than-thou attitude, and would often start arguments with people before attempting to discredit their views by stating “How many orphanages have you opened then? None, right? Exactly, so fuck off”.’
Professor Martin was keen to point out that this study was not conducted for any personal gain, but to provide an insight into human nature for the betterment of mankind as a whole.