Simon Cowell has strongly denied that the result of next month's search for a star, 'Ronan's Got Talent', has already been decided. Cowell, formerly a professional merkin balancer, made it clear that any young, malleable singer contracted to him could win the show. Although being called Ronan will obviously be an advantage.
Cowell, who has an enviable track record for creating smash hits from songs that have already been smash hits, explained his reasons for creating the new show: "it's very difficult for the public to make the correct decision when choosing between a proper, manufactured pop star, and the mentally ill. So this time my production company will help them, by suggesting the name of the winner in the show's title."
Ronan, which is Gaelic for 'singing meat', has long been a popular name within the pop factories of the UK. An Irish name allows wistful flutes to be dubbed over the sob stories, creating up to 60% more sympathy, test audiences have shown.
In a surprise move, Cowell has already announced the choice of single the winner will be allowed to murder. "I've always said 'Killing in the Name' is one of my favourite tunes which I happen to own the rights to", lisped Simon. "And it should bugger up any silly, childish FaceBook campaigns, which don't bother me in the slightest, it's Ronan they're hurting. Do they really want to see him cry again?"
Ronan was unavailable for comment about the allegations, as he was away having his tear ducts enlarged. However, his elderly grand parents did confirm that they had been inundated with gifts of free salad from an anonymous German benefactor.