A Former reality show contestant has lashed out at the 'heartless' thieves who stole a home-made sex tape, which she had 'accidentally' left on a windowsill of her ground-floor London apartment, only to return it hours later with a stinging critique on the film's production values.
In a Daily Star exclusive, model-turned-actress-turned-singer Keelee Parish told how the tape, filmed with her then-boyfriend, was snatched from an open window, where it had been left 'to cool'. 'Well, it was hot stuff!' she quipped. 'I was expecting a call from Playboy, Television X or at least Men and Motors, when suddenly it came back through my letterbox marked 'return to sender'.'
But even worse was to come, for included in the package was a long and detailed list of the video's shortcomings. 'The camerawork, the sound, the lighting - all picked apart. It was so unreasonable - do they know how hard it is to make an authentic-looking amateur sex tape? I haven't felt so degraded since FHM sent back my glamour portfolio with a sticker on it telling me to use a flash and check my exposure.'
Parish slams the critique, which at one point complains about the film's excessive pixilation, as being excessively unfair: 'They could at least acknowledge how bloody expensive decent digital camcorders are these days. And as for my 'wooden yet flabby performance' - look, I haven't done this sort of thing since I was dropped from the Safeways ads in 2003 and appeared on the internet with Abi Titmuss - I'm hardly a seasoned professional.'
Parish reserves her harshest words for her co-star and former partner, bear wrestler Steve Steele, who she blames for failing to properly format the film. 'I feel exposed and betrayed - Steve told me that he'd sorted out the post-production, but it was all lies. To have my most intimate moments in the hands of a tabloid journalist, er, I mean, complete stranger, before the colour balance was properly adjusted - it makes me shudder. God knows what my publicist is going to say; he'll probably get me pregnant and make me start smoking again.'