PR guru Max Clifford has accepted the position of Chairman of the English Football Association with immediate effect. A brief statement released by the FA announced the appointment and stated that Mr. Clifford is charged primarily with restoring the FA’s damaged reputation within FIFA’s hallowed Geneva walls.
Mr Clifford’s first act as Chairman was to prepare a carefully-worded and not unreasonably-priced Press Release. In it, he explains his approach to the role.
He claims that he has made the the FA realise that their approach to the 2018 World Cup bid was ill-conceived, arrogant and doomed to failure. Apparently, they now admit that they spectacularly failed to play along with the special FIFA way that these things are decided, and hugely regret sending Prince William, David Beckham and David Cameron as advocates of the England bid. These celebrity names were unsurprisingly awful at schmoozing the FIFA representatives, having become more accustomed to being on the other end of any schmoozing situations. Mr. Clifford believes that he would have done a much better job, especially if he had managed to persuade Peter Stringfellow to accompany him.
The FA have also reportedly confessed to Mr Clifford that, following the failure of the 2018 bid, their whinging and associated accusations of corruption were merely clumsy attempts to get the decision to award the 2022 World Cup to Qatar overturned. The FA are now aware that their support of the ethics committee and their efforts to delay the return of Sepp Blatter as unopposed President were ill-judged. It is apparent that this behaviour has alienated many members of FIFA, and the prospect of England being awarded future World Cups appears to be close to zero currently as a consequence.
Mr. Clifford states that he will radically change the FA and develop long-term and lucrative relationships with key people in the worlds of football and business. He aims to enhance the standing of the FA through manipulation of those important contacts. The ultimate aim is to re-establish England as one of the major forces in football, respected and revered by the rest of the football world.
It is understood that if Mr. Clifford is successful in getting England back amongst the top-table diners at FIFA’s plentiful table, the GB Eurovision Song Contest Committee may also be interested in offering him a position.