The deadly E Coli. outbreak cutting a swathe through Central Europe has been traced to the mouth of Sepp Blatter, after the autocratic FIFA president was spotted spouting huge quantities of faeces .
Initial tests suggested that Blatter may have caught the infection after dining on a cucumber salad with Grace Jones in Hamburg’s Reeperbahn area, until Jack Warner pointed out that he had been spouting it on and off for years.
Scientists took swabs from Blatter’s mouth after his FIFA coronation speech in Zurich and were later able to confirm it as the enterohaemorrhagic EHEC strain which can cause victims to ‘turn a blind eye’ and projectile-vomit bullshit. Other symptoms include a puffed up sense of one’s own importance and an attraction to brown envelopes containing wads of cash.
FIFA delegates first spotted a problem with Blatter’s mouth when he said ‘I'm the president of all the associations and will work with all of them. ’
‘I had a pickled gerkhin in mine but I’m sure it was cooked properly. ‘
Blatter lurched forward clutching his mouth, adding,
‘Do you know I own Trevor Horn’s 12 inch remix of Slave To The Rhythm on yellow vinyl?
It’s amazing what you can find in Record Collector.’
Those in the front row immediately noticed a foul stench, although the representative from Chile began tapping his feet with a faraway look in his eyes.
As fears of a pandemic rose, Russia responded with a total ban on Sepp Blatters despite being the biggest importer of arrogant corrupt bastards in ill-fitting suits, while experts have advised those travelling to and from Blatter’s mouth to take precautions.
Today the footballing body issued an emergency recall of FIFA-sponsored Panini football sticker albums bearing Blatter’s image, including those which lack a picture of Cyril Regis when he played for West Brom after an ill-advised playground swap with Garry Birtles from Nottingham Forest.
Brian Franks of the Health Advisory Committee said:
‘I’d swap you Norwich City’s badge for one each of Ryan Giggs and Andy Carroll but it might have some shit on it. ’