An influential group of leading political and cultural thinkers, including Richard Branson and Kofi Annan, has called for the worldwide legalisation of all drugs after an "epic mash-up" at the Virgin mogul’s mansion.
Addressing the world’s press through the letterbox of his Oxfordshire residence, Mr Branson called for a rethink of current 'ineffective' drugs policies.
“It’s just all so fucked up man. I mean, it’s just not working. How did it all get so fucked up? All this. It’s like… just leave it alone y'know? Just don’t blame yourself. Please don’t blame yourself.”
Sounding clearly emotional, Branson plucked up the resolve to say a final few words before handing control of the press conference over to the former UN Secretary General. “I'm sorry... I'm, I'm sorry. Look, hang on, hang on, I’ll get Mr Comfy Man… Comfy! Comfy, come here! Here, you talk to it. Through there.”
After a short pause and fumble while he made his way to the door, Kofi, whom it’s believed had been sticking primarily to cocaine throughout the all-nighter, was understandably more upbeat.
“You wanna get your fucking act together you cunts. We ain’t urtin no one, we’re just avin it large, is it. The way it is at the moment. The way it is, right. Right? Well, either you cunts rearrange it or I’ll rearrange you.”
“And you!” he continued, clutching through the letterbox in the direction of Andrew Marr, “The suited goblin. Just you watch it.” before concluding, "It's really hot in here, is it hot in here? It is isn't it? It's really hot in here. I can't feel my teeth."
The think tank’s findings, scrawled in crayon on a cellophane-wrapped house brick, were later delivered through the window of number ten inside a dog.
David Cameron has since reportedly accepted an invitation to attend further ‘talks’ on the issue, this time at the house of a guy Kofi Annan knows, but only on the condition he leaves Nick Clegg at home.