Yesterday, Clive Robinson, from the East End of London, was delighted to discover that he had won one of the most coveted tickets for the coming Olympic Games, only to find out that the person in the seat next to him would be the bi-polar comedian and television presenter, Stephen Fry. Now he is concerned that his great day out will be spoilt by someone who is well-known for having mood fluctuations that would make a Wimbledon final look like two depressed gorillas with a swing-ball set.
Speaking to reporters, Robinson described his initial rush of joy. ‘I just couldn’t believe it, it was a one in a million chance and my number came up. I was so happy I tweeted all my friends but within a half an hour they called to say Fry had tweeted that he had also got a ticket, and it was next to mine!” Robinson than had the realisation that instead of spending his time watching the greatest athletes of the world compete for glory, it was more than likely that he would spend his time listening to Fry give a précis of the late works of Pirandello before plunging into a description of his curtains at home and why the fridge keeps telling him to kill himself before breaking into a rendition of Wagner. “Don’t get me wrong”, said Robinson, “I think Stephen is a national treasure and normally I would love to hang out with him discussing the legacy of the Byzantine Empire…it’s just he seems to be in a bit of a fug at the moment and I just don’t want to take the risk of missing the medal ceremony because Stephen has self-harmed with a copy of Keats’ sonnets”. Robinson added, “I mean, if he was going through a manic stage at the moment, that would be great – we could watch the final and then go up West and snore some cocaine off the arses of six Moroccan lady-boys but from what I’m reading in the papers, it’s more likely Stephen will interpret Usain Bolt’s attempt to beat his own record as a Carpe Diem statement on the fleeting nature of time”.
Reluctantly, Clive has posted his ticket for sale on Gumtree and is hoping to donate the proceeds to charities that fight for bi-polar disease recognition. He has also tweeted Fry to say that even though he won’t be attending he still thinks that he is “snuggly, lubbly, jumbly”.