Julian Dos Remedios, account executive at top ad agency Plebian, said he was finally close to a breakthrough in his personal campaign for total female nudity in advertising. The exec said he now expected that by the end of next year, there would be nothing he couldn’t sell with the help of an attractive model’s lady parts.
Padding around his East End penthouse in his bare feet while feeding his cat, Dos Remedios revealed the plan has been many years in the making: "Back in the 80s, I was young and thought I could do anything. Every other ad was for shower products and we worked hard to find the models with the largest breasts and smallest nipples in the business to get as much tit as possible up there on the screen. But we soared too high too fast, and a glimpse of areola during a break in the Krypton Factor brought the whole thing crashing down."
"I was depressed for a long time after that," he continued, sipping his coffee and looking wryly impressed with its flavour. "But I came back with a bigger, and better plan."
Waving out the window to some friends on scooters, Dos Remedios went on to explain his long-term strategy: "This is where the genius lies – it had to be gradual. You can’t just go from out-of-focus general fleshiness to pinsharp crotch shots when you’re trying to flog deodorants -- although we are thinking of some online viral campaigns along those lines. No with nudity, you start old and you start ugly," he said, catching the eye of an attractive brunette dancing in carefree shoes by the window of an adjacent apartment.
"First up, ads for marg with some frolicking old people. Get a few cheeky bum shots of old geezers. Who’s offended by that? Then some strategically placed long-distance arse footage of funny-looking people for soap powder and bog roll. Then there’s the jump – a fine naked jiggly butt on a fragrance ad – but it’s a man. We’re not exploiting, we’re addressing a balance, and by the time the feminists stop admiring the impressive dimpling it’s too late, we’ve shutdown any sexism allegations."
Pausing briefly to uncork a bottle of wine and prepare a fresh green salad to accompany his ready meal dinner, Dos Remedios summed up the current state of play: "Now we've done unattractive women empowering themselves by cavorting on telly in their shreddies and incongruous pretty bums in mouthwash spots. The last of the barriers is almost down. All I need to do is convince Carol Vorderman to drop 'em for an adult numeracy campaign, and I’ll have Imogen Thomas's fanny in a yoghurt campaign by Christmas."
And with that, Dos Remedios relaxed into his stylish over-size armchair, and looked in wonder and amusement as a picture message arrived on his smartphone.