In an effort to attract a broader audience, the BBC unveiled its latest talent show this week. Aware that most men only consider dancing after a minimum of 12 units of alcohol, the new show is aimed squarely at wallflowers, the socially awkward and the moderately inebriated.
"Our test audience has told us that most men don't like watching confident, talented male dancers. The majority don't appreciate the technical skills of the dancers, preferring instead to question their sexuality. However, when we accidentally showed them a video from a production assistant's wedding, we made a surprising discovery: most males admire a sweaty, disheveled bloke throwing a few moves after a skinful".
The show, entitled 'Strictly Bar Room' will be screened live, just after the pubs shut. Contestants won't know what song they will dance to in advance, instead they will be lured on stage by vaguely familiar hoary old classics from the late '70s to early '90s. Slade and Status Quo are expected to feature heavily, and Black Lace have signed up as the house band. The contestants will be judged by a panel of celebrities, who can insist on a breathalyser test for any contestants that appear too co-ordinated.
"Each contestant will have to demonstrate a mastery of the standard dances, including The Lassoo, and 'Big Fish Little Fish Cardboard Box' ", explained the show's producer. "Voting is always subjective, so we will allow competitors to challenge low scores by calling the judges outside".
In a break from some traditional talent programmes, sob stories will not be encouraged. When a contestant in a pilot show broke down in tears, citing that he 'really bloody loved his kids', it caused a catastrophic chain-reaction of blubbing. The incident, which at one point descended into a 15-minute rendition of Danny Boy, could only be calmed by The Birdie Song.
Studio bosses have pencilled in a re-release of 'Hi Ho Silver Lining', to coincide with the final. ITV have already commissioned a rival series called 'You Dancin'?', which will be identical to the BBC offering but hosted by Ant and Dec.
With a knee-slide to Smaug.