Boris Johnson introduced a radical revision to London's transport policy yesterday, after watching a re-run of 'On the Buses' on digital channel David: "Blakey inspired me to use real butlers on our new bus. No-one hates a real butler", announced the London Mayor.
Powered by hydrogen and lined with fox fur, the new buses have cost in excess of £2.2 million each. But some critics have already claimed that the new bus can't carry enough passengers. "I would have thought, in a vehicle that is over 11 metres long, they'd have managed to squeeze in more than six seats", complained Nigel Boot, from the Passenger Transport group. "Perhaps Mr Johnson should reconsider his plans to fill the top deck with quartets playing chamber music." Mr Boot pointed out other aspects of the policy that he wasn't happy with: "The silver service does seem rather excessive, when most journeys last less than 10 minutes. And is it really necessary to have a strict dress code?"
The revised transport strategy is expected to create more than 5,000 jobs in the capital. "We will employ bouncers at each bus stop, in order to keep out the riff-raff", explained Boris. "We have already started to introduce red ropes on poles, which the security men will operate at peak times. And those jobs are in addition to the recently announced teams of footmen, to help passengers with their shopping in Knightsbridge."
There was a further surprise for the gathered world press, when Boris took the opportunity to unveil the new 'open top' version of the bus. Here, the musicians will make way for perches and gun racks, so that the noble arts of falconry and shooting can be carried out in the centre of the Capital. "We have already applied for the Olympic 12-Bore Trap competition to take place between Covent Garden and Chelsea, depending on the traffic", Mr Johnson announced. "We're also hoping to reintroduce quails and partridges to Fulham."
Mr Johnson was clearly proud of his new transport policy. "We have identified that the main cause of misery on London's public transport is actually the public. By keeping the second class out, our trains, buses and gondolas will be far more pleasant to use. It's much more comfortable when we're not all in this together."